Inadequacy

I feel inadequate. I feel inferior. Without worth. I don't measure up to the standard I want to live.

Some days I wonder why I try...

Other days I give up on trying all together.

Grown Ups

Some people are always trying to be an adult.

Some people grow up faster than anyone should have too.

Some people never seem to get there.

Congratulatins, you're 20, live a life filled with parties, drugs, and alcohol. Is this what passes for being grown up in our society?

Outside Reality

To think there are people in this world who have not tasted the love of God.

Who am I to allow myself to be bitter and cynical in a place where people are encouraged to pursue that love. When your whole world is encased inside the doors of a church it is easy to lose touch with the world outside of your reality. But that word is no less real. Their need is no less.

It's time to reach out.

It's time to stop wavering and stand firm.

Be who we are destined to be. Claim what God has proclaimed over us. Live.

Burn This Town / Signal Flare

It's been a year of drought when it comes to writing. I've been uninspired, which after a year where I wrote around 35 songs is frustrating. Most of what I've written this year has been lackluster or too dark to see the light. But whatever. Here's a few things I've been working on.

Burn This Town

Walk this town of crooks and thieves

They hang their sin around their neck

flaunting their sexuality

pretty words disguise the wreck

This broken mess

abandoned like all the rest

This broken mess

abandon all they have left

I'm gonna burn this town of hypocrites

Burn this town of liars

Burn this town of wickedness

It's time to fight the fire

with fire

If I could find just one in this whole town

Just one who spoke and stood their ground

Just one and I'd spare this whole town....

but I'm no different

------------------

Signal Flare

Watch where I go

I'm not the one that you know

Try to figure me out

if you dare

And I've been playing along for some time

while you've been dancing

And I've been playing around for some time

And you keep on dancing

So send up the signal flare

And warn them that the night has come

To take them away

from all that they love

and they have ever known

in time they will see

despite what they believe

I am just a ghost

So let me go

I remember the day

when I was taken away from you

and I see your face so clearly

Don't go, you said

don't leave me here

all by myself again

now you see my face

Where ever you go...

Covenant

I've been reading in Genesis lately. Specifically the build up to the story of Joseph. We all know Joseph was elevated to second in command in Egypt and I was trying to understand why Joseph? Of all his family, why Joseph?

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph.

Jacob made a covenant with Labon to marry his second daughter rachel and after seven years his father allowed him to marry Leah instead. Eventually he was able to marry rachel as well, but rachel was unable to have children. God saw that Leah was unloved and allowed her to have many children. In time jacob also had children with both Rachel and Leah's servant girl.

Finally God allowed Rachel to conceive a child. His name was Joseph. Later on she gave birth to Benjamin.

A thought occurred to me. Joseph was first born under Jacob's original covenant with Labon for Rachel. So it makes since that God would bless Him. Now of course Joseph was faithful to serve the Lord through great difficulty, but he was the child of a covenant. (More than one since he is a descendant of Abraham.)

I began thinking, God I want to be a part of a covenant like that I want to be chosen.

That was when I realized that I am. So are you. When Jesus died it created a new covenant that included everyone. Now we are all chosen. The only thing that can keep us from entering into that covenant with God is ourselves.

We have to make that decision to stay pure, stay focused on our pursuit of God. Not to be distracted by what this world has to offer.

So for people questioning who you are I have an answer. You are a child under covenant with the King. Chosen for this time for Him to love you, for Him to move through you. Your Father, Friend, Lover, King. All that is in His Kingdom is at your disposal. You just have to receive it.

Pursuing A Place In The World

It is the struggle of many, myself included, to find a place in this world that they call their own. Often insecurities blind our ability to see what is right in front of us. I for one focus too much on my flaws and imperfections rather than the many wonderful opportunities I have been given.

So this is an exercise to help me realize some of the good things placed in my life as well as share a bit of what I've been up too since I haven't been an avid blogger as of late.

I'm an intern.

God has blessed me with an opportunity to be a sort of guinea pig as one of the first wave interns at our church. This allows me to utilize many of my giftings and talents I didn't even know I had. I've been editing video pretty much non stop since I've started. I am able to kind of put my personality into the youth ministry through a lot of the media coming up. Also exciting we are doing the service this week while my dad is out of town, so we are running the service message everything. I helped put the drama together, and I KNOW it is going to have a lasting impact.

I'm a bible student.

There is a new bible college with my church that is fully accredited. It's a sweet deal that allows me to pursue the one thing I've desired my whole life. Ministry. I still don't have a clear cut direction, but at least I can begin pursuing it.

I'm a drummer.

This is the one that is most shocking to me. I've been playing for really less than a year. No lessons, I just kind of started playing. Now I am the e3 drummer. I play for Mindy every wednesday now. It is truly a blessing to be the least talented of the drummers, at least in my mind, and yet be permitted by God to do something I truly love. Contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

All three of these things are also bringing me face to face with my many weaknesses.

The drumming forces me to face my mistakes. I mess up a lot, I lose my place or rhythm. But I have to deal with the failure and just move on to the next beat.

As a Bible Student I come face to face with my laziness and lack of motivation..... but then again come on I don't read the book or study at all and I get a perfect score on the test? It's like they are asking me to become a bigger slacker.

And the interning forces me to deal with my most deadly flaw. The eruptions mentioned in my previous blog. The guilt that plagues me after an eruption. The fear that they all see me as I see myself.... the weakest of Christians.

We all struggle to find a place in this world. Most of the time we have one, but our own insecurities and flaws skirt our perspective into a muddle point of view that blinds us from realizing our place is exactly where we are. Flaws and all. God's desire is to use us right where we are. Even if we don't understand our current place God will still use you. As long as you keep pursuing Him.

This search to find a place we belong is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. We will never find our place in this world until we have found our place in God. Our pursuit of God shows us that we are already where we belong.

Our pursuit of God eliminates the need for a place in this world and replaces it with purpose, regardless of what place we may find ourselves.

Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.

Imperfection

Most people go out of their way to hide their imperfection. I don't. I am very transparent. I figure if everyone can see your faults then they can hold you accountable to correct them.

Yes, there is always those who will see your faults and judge you for it. Those who would rather point out how spiritually adept they are rather than help you improve. But do we really need their input in our lives?

We can't listen to them. We can't allow those people to bring us to anger or resentment.

That is just them showing us one of their faults.

As for my imperfection... Growing up in church, I've been a Christian for what most people my age consider to be a long time. Most of that time has been filled with those miraculous God encounters, while my mind has remained steadfast and filled with the perfect mix of peace and joy. A clear mind focused on the pursuit of God. I suppose I took it for granted, that is the only thing that can explain why when it began to change I barely took notice.

This past year has been an extremely different experience. A clear mind became cluttered. God's presence often felt far. In fact, the only time He felt near was those few moments when He allowed me to be a vessel from which He can move.

I began to become angry that He felt so distant. Frustrated that the feelings of my youth seemed to have dissipated from reality into nothing.

Now, someone who is truly committed can carry on with a lack of emotion for some time, but if you are not cautious the human nature inside of you will develop certain negative feelings of resentment towards those who don't seem to struggle as you do. That is what happened to me. Is happening to me.

My mind has been in a constant state of no emotion. The only thing holding me to God is pure commitment. I look around and I see certain people who are ALWAYS so consistently saying the most positive spiritual uplifting things and instead of being happy that they are inspired... I'm jealous. I am wishing that it could be me. I'm angry that it's not. Resentment begins to build to the point where I can't stand to be around certain Christians and my mind justifies it by glazing it over with cynicism.

I have become cynical.

Everyone struggles with different things in different seasons. I can now see all of this in myself and my spirit is grieved. My spirit doesn't want to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. My flesh can't help it. It is riddled with imperfection and the Spirit will have nothing to do with it.

Thus I have returned to that never ending battle between spirit and flesh.

Thank God my Spirit is alive enough to fight this imperfect flesh that lives in me.

Next comes winning.

Individuality in the Kingdom

I pride myself on being who I am regardless of my company. I pride myself on being completely honest, blunt and absolutely nothing less than the raw unfiltered nature that is inside of me. Rather people like it or not. Rather people understand it or not. I recognize that I am who I am.

So why is it that when it comes to worship and my relationship with God I try to channel my energies into becoming more structured than I actually am. When I look at every relationship in my life, and of course I'm not great at maintaining relationships, I see randomness. Spontaneous conversation. Yet when I look at my relationship with God I try to make it this neat little package that goes in a certain order. I don't communicate in order. I communicate in emotion. I look back on my life and when I worship God- truly worship Him. The times I've crawled into His arms and felt that closeness, it was a pure, spontaneous, random and passionate entanglement.

I think that is part of the reason I've felt so distant from God lately. I've tried to enter into His presence with a structure that I don't have in any other area of my life. I'm not truly being myself. Why would this be the one area in my life which I try to be someone other than me? I guess I get so used to being misunderstood, people misreading my intentions and the meaning of what I'm trying to communicate that I forget God created me and accepts me exactly as I am. How tragically ironic that the one place I am truly accepted is the one place I try to hide who I am.

So from here on I guess I'm gonna be spending time with God in that crazy way only He and I will understand. And I love it already.

How amazing that in the infinite Kingdom of God there is room for each of us to have our own unique individuality.

Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.

A Rare Moment of Clarity

My mind is often riddled with insecurities and unspoken frustrations. My emotions are so often in a funk that I can't seem to crawl out of.

There are several reasons for this.

ONE- I have a hard time making lasting friendships, I don't relate well with people, and it makes it hard to build relationships.

TWO- This leads to feelings of loneliness, which is a frustrating feeling that people who always fit in have a hard time understanding. They can understand a level of it, but not in the full brutality that comes with a constant state of being alone.

THREE- I am unable to reach out and talk to my family, I don't know how to. I am closed off. I would gladly tell anyone outside of my family (or my sister) anything, if they ever asked, but no one knows me well enough to see when I'm messed up to know that they should ask.

FOUR- I am ashamed of my dark natured angry thoughts, and won't post them on facebook or anything because most Christians only want to try to give me their solution instead of reaching out and connecting to me.

So lately, I've been a very angry and frustrated person trying to make connections with anyone that will have me.

There is a group of people, that I have associated with in the past, one of which is my best friend who I usually hang out with outside of this particular group, that I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lately. In this time hanging out with them I have learned a lot of interesting things about them. Some "secrets" that I find to be amusing they think are secret. Some random personality quirks, But the thing that sticks out the most is the way some of them act differently around each other. Specifically in the way they treat other people. They are opinionated and share their opinions. Not necessarily a bad thing. But when we all go over to a friends house, and in the half an hour we are there before leaving, complain about how lame everything is without any thought over how that person might feel. I have a problem with that.

And mostly I don't see why so many things are considered lame or uncool. I've always been the type of person who was content doing anything and everything. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to associate with such opinionated people when those opinions might cause others to feel inferior.

So for now I will again withdraw from my quest for acceptance, and focus my mind on the coming months of study, and intern. Again focus my mind on my pursuit of greater understanding. Greater spiritual understanding. Greater understanding of people. Greater understanding of myself.

Maybe in time, God will provide all I'm so desperately looking for.

Sleeping Pictures

I dreamed last night. I almost never remember my dreams. But I remember a million ridiculous details about this one. 

We were at a final drama practice preparing for our trip to Germany. We started around five o clock and we intended to practice until 3:00 am. The location oddly enough was the youth room from my old church in Pensacola. For whatever reason my parts in the drama had all been changed to be in the balcony. Weird. But that part doesn't matter.

There was a guest with us. A worship leader. We were going to spend some time in prayer and he shared with us that he never intended to be a worship leader. He never intended to play guitar. But he was evangelizing one day and he met this kid who played guitar. He didn't know how to connect with that kid, so he learned how to play guitar for that purpose. The only reason he wanted to play guitar was so he could connect with that kid and show Him the way to God.

In this dream the presence if God came down on me in a powerful way. In a way I haven't experienced awake in some time. I began to cry. Because I knew God had anointed our guest with the ability to lead worship because his heart, his passion was to bring people into the presence of God. He didn't care about having the highest quality of music. He didn't care about what people thought. He only cared about reaching that lost kid for The Kingdom. I was on my knees crying under God's presence, hoping that it would last all night.

Then I awoke to emptiness, there was no presence with me.

God forgive me.

Evil in May

The Knock-offs are awesome!! Even a night like tonight where all the leaders are missing except for me and we have a great time. This first meeting in May was our movie night, so we watched the Emperor's New Groove, and played some really fun games!

MAY-- why does this month exist? I think it might be evil. Though I am going to Germany later this month so it can't be all bad.

EVIL -- There is an organization that has led to multiple relationships. ALL ODD relationships filled with strangeness. How could an organization leading to so much awkwardness be allowed to continue?!

ORGANIZATIONS -- I got nothing I just started a trend and wanted to continue it.

TREND -- I don't understand trends. People pack together and start doing the same thing and then flock to people who join in and are blinded to the ones who are anti-conformists.

That is all.

Fits of Laughter and Wrestling Matches

What instrument will I play tonight in e3? If any. I am not on the schedule, this is true. However our bassist tonight is not coming, so the acoustic will move over there. And our drummer is an enigma. I'm not even sure if he is still our drummer. Pre synopsis says I will probably be on the drums.

Germany is like three weeks away. This is exciting! Our dramas our finally coming together, you know, once everyone shows up and we focus in-between fits of laughter and wrestling matches.

I just finished the Final test of the Final class in my AA degree. I didn't really study all that hard, but I kicked it in the balls. So a semester of cannibals, crazies, satanists, and stalkers comes to an end. Who would of believed that American History would be so interesting. Special thanks to Solar Flare without whom my head would have surely imploded.

The Slip

It kind of sucks to spend a week preparing for something only to have it fall apart at the last minute.

Sometimes I wonder why I have dreams. It's feels like trying to touch the moon.

The Other Me Hates The World

Are you ready to see past all of my lies? We're all in disguise.

Are you ready to see into my eyes? 

I'm not who I say I am.

Mockery. Secret lives. Belonging.

I would almost rather be alone at all times. If no one is close to you, no one can hurt you. juvenile thinking, I know. But even having the few people in my life I would truly consider friends sucks, because I get used to being myself, and then when they're not around, I remember people suck and are not as accepting as they are. Especially guys. I remember now why I don't have any guy friends. So quick to jump on the flawed so they look better themselves.

So I retreat into the other me, the angsty me. The hurting me. The angry me. The better me?

The only times in life I have truly felt acceptance is in God's presence. And let's be honest I've been neglectful of that lately. That makes me feel so much worst. Times like these I truly despise myself.

And God still gives me opportunities to do what I love, minister in song. More opportunities actually. And He still anoints me. He still allows His presence to show up. And it sucks because I deserve it so little. It is almost more of a curse that He would move through me.

We all need forgiveness.

The Adventures of Formerly Trained Assassins

APRIL 2009. I believe this is a good month.

In the past month. I have been to busch gardens twice. Been offered a tattoo. Fell in love with the olive garden. Failed two boyfriend applications. Danced around the drama a crazy person's drama without actually seeing the crazy and getting involved. Learned that mannequins are incredibly scary--

And I must expound upon this. Serious creep factor. It started with those old navy commercials, they gave their mannequins personalities. That is scary to begin with, then I started seeing it. At Dicks Sporting Goods the mannequins look down on you as if they are smug and superior. It is insulting. And I wanted to smack that superior look right off their face! I've seen mannequins with circles for heads, I've seen the footless. I saw a little boy with green hair. And I even saw a middle aged fat butt mannequin. They must be stopped. Apparently one person told me they talk to mannequins. So that was scary.

I'm going to germany in like a month. I am very excited. My illustrated sermon is coming together nicely. The dramas as a whole team are starting to come together, and I have an unsurpassed expectancy for this conference. I really feel that this team is an incredibly strong one. It's going to be great. God will move in a real way. A surprising way. I love that even when we expect it, we can still be surprised.

My former boss told me I have long and lanky arms. I don't believe her. Odd shaped and  scrawny is more like it.

It's Wrong! The Weather Is Wrong!

Why did we get a random cold snap to start off MARCH? The weather is ridiculous! Global warming is a joke. It was to cold to go to the strawberry festival, but we watched the illusionist and the prestige instead. Great movies.

In other news I just got back from wiregrass. I had a good time. Well as good a time as a guy can have while hanging out with two girls while they look around in stores like forever twenty-one. Apparently that store actually has a guy section. Which I do not understand. That store should not have a guy section, it just seems incredibly out of place. Ate lunch at chili's. I ate my whole meal, which to be honest I very rarely am able to do. I get full and stop eating. Waiter was a tad bit odd, but not odd enough to express any further.

It is a nice day. I believe I have this week off from the worship team, so I intend to enjoy my night at home and rest up. It is spring break, so I'm not sure what I'm resting up for.

This is the part where I post some spiritual musings. I don't have any today, but in small group I am beginning a series on discovering power. I'm really excited about it. Starts off with the way we see things, I think it is going to be really great.

That is all.

Goodbye February, Hello Obnoxious Heat

It is officially the last day in February! I think it s pretty cool. There is a bird singing outside my window... ok actually it is more like a random high pitched squeal and it is a good bit annoying. I want to squash it with a hammer. HA that would prank that bird good.

There is a German intern in our house this week. He will be in town for six weeks, but he is only with us for the first one I believe. And he is in the guest room not my room like marcus was, so that is pretty cool.

In celebration of Jeremiah's birthday we are taking a trip to Sam Ash in Clearwater. That should be pretty exciting. I like music. Tomorrow maybe the strawberry festival? I've never been, but it's gotta be pretty fun right. I love strawberries. :) I better get to eat some or I will be disappointed. I will probably cry hysterically and prank somebody by beating them up and taking all there money. They'd never see it coming. Hilarious.

Purpose Behind Our Love

I read today a scripture in the Bible where paul said The more I love you, the less you seem to love me, or something like that. That line really stuck out to me. It is just so contrary to what you would normally expect someone to say.

He had just finished telling the church of corinth that the last time he had visited them, he had been a financial burden to them, and he apologized for that. He said that it was not the responsibility of the child to provide for the parents, but the parents to provide for the child. HE realized that as the teacher it was his responsibility to pour himself into the people he was ministering to.  To give of himself until there was nothing left. To serve them with everything inside of himself. He said the more he did this, the more he loved them, the less love they offered to him in return.

Why does that seem so odd to us. It just illustrates the difference between human love and the love of God. Human love, expects something in return for the love we give-- but the love we find in Christ offers itself freely with no expectation of return or reward. To really have the love of God means to serve willingly, without recognition and without reward. Our purpose is so that others may see Christ. Nothing more.

Did Someone You Know Poison Me?

Two O' Clock yesterday afternoon I started feeling different. By four I could barely move. The aches, the chills, the sweats. Today I am feeling better. But still iffy to be sure. I am hoping to be back in full swing by tomorrow, or Sunday at the latest, cause I don't have a choice.

I haven't done much with music lately. Busy + Uninspired. Soon though I will get back into what I love.

Have you ever taken huge strides forward in life, and then seemingly taken equally huge strides backward? Choices mixed with whatever amount of will power we have lead to success. But what if you don't have any will power? Where do you get will power? Perhaps will power comes from the thing we desire most. If you desire God the most, then your decisions will be the ones that get you closer to God. If you desire earthly things, then your decisions will reflect that as well. Perhaps if you want more will power, you must find a way to stir up desires within yourself. 

It is all about choices.

Avalanche!

I've just returned from our winter retreat "avalanche". I feel like it was the best retreat we've ever had. Josh Mayo did an incredible job. I'm not sure I can put my finger on why it was so amazing. It wasn't because the services were the best I've ever experienced. It wasn't because God did amazing things in the alter. There didn't seem to be some emotional hype thing going on. It just felt like the kids were genuinely going after God. Like they are developing a sincere passion to pursue God. Finally understanding what it means to chase after God. To live for God. I feel like the kids at that retreat, understand and are truly ready to live out the Christian life. The thing that blessed me the most, was the large group of kids that wanted nothing more than to just pray after the service. They weren't just goofing around playing games. There was serious conversations all the way up to bed time. IT really felt like they are growing into spiritual maturity, not just some shallow hype. I would label this the best retreat I've ever been a part of.

Feeding Frenzy

Rather I feel like it or not, rather I would constantly admit it or not, I am in a place of ministry. As a small group leader and a part of the worship team.

What is ministry? Imparting oneself to others. Showing them how to live. More importantly they are getting their spiritual nourishment through you. Feeding on you. Depleting your nourishment. Which means you have to continually be filling up with greater spiritual depth to supply them with greater nourishment.

What does that mean to me? I've always been one of the people to get nourishment from other sources instead of seeking it out myself. I feel like lately it hasn't been enough for me. Especially finding myself at a higher level of leadership. The only way to stay full is to feed in the word of God myself. OR else I will wither and die.

That might sound bleak, but I think a great number of people in ministry fall because they are depending on other sources for their strength rather than plugging in directly to the word of God. Prayer isn't enough. You have to get into the Bible and grow.

Step One: The Shave

I just finished another meeting of The Knock-offs! We broke into teams and made hilarious videos, one of which a stalked was taking people, and the other was just a huge drama unfolding. IT was a pretty fun meeting.

Marcus hooked UP the youth drum set, it has five toms, all new symbols, and it is in tune. It sounds HOT!!

I shaved today. One step at a time moving forward right?

The past few days I have had a wide range of mental states. I've been the happiest I've been in months, and I've been the most apathetic ready to give up as ever. I hopefully am starting to find my footing again. Today I shaved. Tomorrow I will organize my music book. Then maybe an actual haircut? Finally job.

Retreat this weekend, gonna be amazing. AVALANCHE!!! 

Musings of the Manic and Crazy

It is official. My American History class is full of crazies. Obviously the teacher is a nut job, as I have previously mentioned, who backs into the wall and talks about the vortex in brooksville. But Lately he has made several references to people being beheaded. There is also a girl in the class who I am pretty sure is a cannibal. There is a guy who talks to himself on a daily basis. And of course there is a humorous gay guy who asks awkward questions. He isn't so crazy except that he talks on a nonstop basis. I suppose I am crazy as well. I'm probably that kid who drums to himself...

I'm playing drums tonight so I was trying to go through the songs in my head during class-- beats listening to the ramblings of putsis.

So I sit at the church preparing for tonight's service, eating twizzlers and listening to the musings of Jon Foreman, whom I love rather he is singing with switchfoot, fiction family, or his solo stuff. My sister is doing math on the computer.

Now we are discussing literature. Child by Tiger.

The End.

Parking Lots, All The Kids Are Doing it.

The topic of my research paper is due today. A whole paragraph on what I plan to write about. Once again I make up something amazing at the last minute... that took about 3 minutes.

I've been spending a lot of time in parking lots lately. Apparently after church we don't even need a restaurant anymore. Let's just hit the drive through of taco bell and hang out in the parking lot. Genius. Or lame. I haven't decided which yet. And last night it was definitely right to play hawk nelson and practice our bizarre form of dancing in the parking lot of steak and shake. Soli, Allyssa, Myself, and even Trey pulled out some amazing moves. Much better than the superbowl. Trey kidnapped Allyssa's baby. Took it into the bathroom. I'm going to miss Farquad Francis now that Allyssa has to give it back to the british mexican family she stole it from.

The post super bowl episode of the office. Funniest thing I have seen in 2009. Hands down. No competition. Soli even thought it was funny. Either that or she was punking me. Sometimes hard to tell.

Today will be awesome. That is all.

Post Imagination

I'm not a very good Christian. I wonder if anyone would believe that if I told them so. Perhaps I am to hard on myself. But more likely there is much work to be done in my life. God is full of grace and He never tires of giving me the opportunity to improve. So here's to improving.

I was recording The Re: Write with spidey the other day, it would have been done... but when I got home I accidentally deleted half of her vocals. lol. So it looks like we will have to Re: Record on The Re: Write. Not funny, haha. I love bad jokes.

Here is the song lyrics

The Re: Write

by Chris Lewis

jess: It's not working out

Not working

My mind's full of doubt

Not working

chris: Convince me to hold on to this ledge

jess: Hold on to this ledge

chris: To remember the promises we said

jess: Promises we said

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

jess: Rework the plan

both: We didn't account for all of life's demands

jess: all life's demands

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

Let's go back

Let's go back

jess: It's not working out

Not working 

My mind's full of doubt

Not working

chris: Convince me to let go of my fears

jess: Let go of your fears

chris: To forget the failures that we faced through the years

jess: That we faced through the years

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

jess: Rework the plan

both: We didn't account for all of life's demands

jess: all life's demands

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

Let's go back

Let's go back

Let's rewrite history

chris: Time is on our side

Life will be our guide

We will turn the tide

Let's go back

Let's go back

Let's rewrite history

Imagination

It is easy to lose yourself in moments where things seem to be moving "nowhere". Maybe that is why God gave us imagination? So we can use it to see outcomes that seem unlikely, and think of ways to turn them into reality. Or maybe it is just to entertain ourselves.

The past couple of months I have been occasionally recording songs with spider-man. Occasionally knows as Jessica Sizemore.  We have recored four so far. But Saturday I started writing a song for her to sing. I love it. I'm actually going to end up singing most of it, lol. But there are written background vocal parts through the whole thing, so it really does take us both all the way through. I've recorded all my parts (I think), and I absolutely LOVE this song SO much. I can't wait to record her parts and put it up for everyone to hear. It is a nice and chill song with a nice whirly intro. (the name of the software instrument was whirly, lol) It is called "The Re: Write" and i will soon be available for listening.

I really like her songs too, they are simple and catchy. I think our voices compliment each other nice enough. I think we will end up recording a whole album and calling it "The Spider Project"

Tracks so far:

1. The Re: Write (written by Chris)

2. Blue Mountains (written by Jess)

3. Places We Cannot Go (Chris)

4. Embrace (Jess)

5. An Informal Scrap (Jess, save for bridge by Chris)

...

6. Spider-Man is a Girl (ok this one doesn't exsist, but I want to write it, lol)

Tonight is a mandatory meeting for the worship team. The Sound Team. And anyone wanting to join. I'm really excited. I think a lot of great things are going to emerge from this meeting.

Pre-Imagination

I think the reason I stopped blogging over a year ago is that I don't like posting blogs that are emo or uninspiring. And unfortunately I am often feeling emotions that leave one uninspired. Those are times when great music flows from my mind, but my thoughts are often confused and leave me lacking.

I feel tired. I am tired. Not because I had a tiring day, rather because it was one of those days where just about everything seemed to spiral outside of my control. I find myself completely unsatisfied with almost every aspect of my life. Jobless, unsure of where to go... I just want to play music, but I don't know how to just do that. I want to share my songs with the world, but I am certain the world doesn't care about any song I could write. I feel without purpose, and ultimately without worth.

I feel saddened because all I wanted to do tonight was support one of the kids in my small group at a basketball game, and I feel like I couldn't even do that right. Small turn out with half the people leaving before the game was over. With six minute quarters I don't understand why. I don't even really like basketball, but he did do a great job playing. And they won!

I played drums last Wednesday. I wasn't feeling very rhythmic. So I do not feel as though I played very well. Everything just seems off-- out of place. Maybe I am out of place? But then what is the right place?

Why is it that some everything clicks and then other days---- it all seems to fall apart?

My Heart and My Flesh

New worship song I've spent the day working on. It is an attempt to show the duality of the heart and the flesh, they search for the same thing, but go about trying to fulfill it very differently.

My heart and my flesh are searching for love
And Lord all this time I've been filling up
With things of this world that never fill
But Lord I feel your love when I'm standing still

OH Precious Lord
OH Precious God

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

My heart and my flesh are searching for hope
All the roads in this world ended up alone
I've caught a glimpse of Your presence Lord
Father my heart is thirsty for more

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

I know that You see me when I am so empty
I know that you see past my doubt
You're so quick to hold me when I am in need
and I need You

OH Precious Lord
OH Precious God

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

Off Beat

Lately I've been feeling a little bit off. Like the circuits in my body are just not lining up the way they are supposed to. Weird.

Fiction Family -- the infusion of Jon foreman and Sean watkins. Check them out. It's amazing.

I feel a lack of motivation and quite uninspired.

I don't even have some amusing story to pass on.

Recognizing a Gift

Yesterday afternoon I left my house to embark on the youth leaders retreat. It has been so good thus far. Last night we just had a great time of worship and prayer. Real prayer. We prayed over everyone. Screaming, crying-- I think almost everyone cried in some capacity. The Lord had a word for I think everyone here. I for one feel refreshed, and rejuvenated. I feel like a Christian, but more than that I feel like a youth leader. I know that God has a plan for my small group, and I just pray that it will be clear as I present His words. I feel a little messed up. It's been a long time since I've experienced the presence of God in that capacity. I think I often try to hard so get there that I prevent myself from receiving. The presence of God isn't something you can force yourself to experience. It is when you stop trying to receive it and just surrender yourself completely that God will immerse you in His wonder.

That is the problem though isn't it. What does it mean to completely surrender yourself? That is not a natural  progression. In fact I find it to be quite a difficult task. Simply because to surrender means to quit trying. To no longer do anything. And that is the opposite of what is natural. Because we are sinful creatures, unworthy of the love God desires to pour out on us. We think that to get a hold of God we have to live as close to perfect as we can. To earn it. We feel we should have to pray and claw our way through some epic spiritual battleground and then if we are lucky enough God will reward us with a glimpse into His presence. And there are times to crawl through that battleground. However God's presence is a gift. And receiving a gift requires nothing from us. The change in our lives is a result of choosing to receive that gift.

So why is it that so many Christians, such as myself, lose sight of that? Why do we feel that all of a sudden we have to earn the right to be in God's presence? We can never earn that to begin with. We could never be good enough to achieve the rights to something so majestic. That is why it has to be a gift. And all we have to do is receive it.

It doesn't matter where you are in your walk with God. Rather you've been saved your whole life, or you've never truly experienced that presence of God, you can receive it from anywhere. Just open your heart and ask God to reveal himself to you, and stop trying to live up to some righteous idea of how you should be and just receive it.

A Taste for the Bizarre

I had a bizarre dream. I would reach behind the left side of my head and pull out these little black things and as I held them in my hand, before my eyes they became popcorn. If I pulled from the right side of my head, they turned into those thorny prickly things that get stuck to your pants when you walk in the woods. Is there some profound meaning in here, left versus right? Or is it just insane?

I'm a little torn. e3 was amazing last night. God's presence was there without doubt. For the first time since I can remember people were crying and screaming and the alter call was just packed with kids getting a touch from God. I was in the kitchen. I'm a little annoyed that God would do that on the night that the knock-offs were in charge of the habit shack, kind of meaning I couldn't REALLY be a part of it. I still got to go out there and play guitar for a few minutes, and God was undeniably there, it was awesome. I just wish I could have been there the whole service and really got something out of it. On the other hand several people told my dad that part of the reason God showed up like he did was that the knock-offs welcoming everyone and screaming set the atmosphere up front and raised expectations. So I guess I'm just glad that we could play some small role in that. I just hope God keeps showing up, because I need Him to.

Truly I can sense God's presence all around me, yet I feel as though I am separate from it. Like today I was able to play guitar as mindy sang at the youth network meeting. I could feel God's presence emanating all around me and my desire is to reach out and touch it, but somehow I am unable to reach it. I guess that is just the way things are sometimes in life. You feel lost and confused. Without purpose. Just a wanderer. Sometimes we lose our direction. I guess we just have to keep moving forward and trust that we will end up in the right place. Like the ship from the voyage of the dawn treader. No matter what strange thing they came up against, or how discouraged they became, or how unlikely it seemed, they kept pressing east toward aslan's country. I have to believe that if I keep pressing forward despite this lack I'm feeling that I too will end up completely immersed in the presence of God and His purpose for my life.

I'm Still Learning To Live

Tonight is e3. It is also the night my home group "The Knock-offs" take over and show everyone why we are the best home group! We've got the signs made and we are ready to create e3's first greeting tunnel and make everyone feel awkward as they walk through the doors.

Tonight I get to a break from my recent drum playing and return to the acoustic guitar. It's funny, the kid who is gonna be drumming tonight was all worried that I was going to be offended since he wasn't on the schedule. And yes in certain circumstances that could be an aggravation. But when the wonderful Mindy "Richard" Kerr told me prior to practice she also said that she was missing the stronger acoustic, so that felt good, and several of the songs are acoustic driven. All that combined and the past few weeks I have been feeling more confident in my ability. If I keep working I may even be half decent someday ;).

Before e3 I must return to american history. I can't believe when I gave the description Prof. Putsis that I left out his baldness.

I went to soli's house last night to watch american idol. I'm not a huge idol fan, but I won't lie-- it is fun to watch it as a group, especially when they are really into it. I also find it enjoyable to be mean to the people they like, and support the jerks on the show, lol. They probably know that I'm joking. . .  right? o_O

I am really looking forward to February. That is the month I'm finally starting my home group on some really great biblical principles. What we believe, and how to live out a Christian life. Really live it out. That is, after all the purpose of life. Learning how to live--

and I think if we were honest, we're all still learning how to live.

Quote of the Week

I was watching Conan O' Brien and this section of the interview made me laugh.

Conan O' Brien: Do kids, you know, teenagers say the word "like" in england?

Daniel Radcliffe (don't forget the english accent): yes AND they're rarely using similes

The Quirks, The Work and The Shirk

His name has two "syllabus". That's what he said. Put-sis. He is certainly a bit odd in speech and mannerism. His arms gangly and his head the wrong size for his body. He belongs as a side character on Gilmore Girls with his quirky personality. Entertaining for a few minutes and then starts to get boring. Suddenly he says something completely random and off the wall unintentionally causing me to laugh. This is my teacher for american history, and does he love american history.

I'm supposed to get a job. I don't know where to look. Certainly I lack motivation to do so. I think I'm hoping someone will just appear before me and offer me a job making magic wands.

I wrote 31 songs in 2008.

Relationships. Why do so many people feel like they have to always be in a relationship? Sure no one wants to be alone, but being single isn't a bad thing. I can think of a few friends in particular that are never single longer than a few weeks. OR they claim to be single, but have that "FRIEND" on the side fulfilling that emotional need in their lives. The thing that has always bothered me is why people are in such a hurry to jump into a relationship when their lives are a wreck. How exactly can you devote such time to someone when your relationship with God is a joke. When you don't have the slightest idea of what your future holds? Devoting time to a relationship takes time away from the other things in life that are more important. It says in Matthew chapter 6 not to worry what you will eat, or what you will wear, and I would say who you should be in a relationship with. It says in verse 33 To seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So I guess that's what all Christians really need to get back to. It is so easy to get distracted by what the world tells us we should do. The world tells us to acquire certain things to be successful, the world offers a multitude of distractions. But the Bible says to seek the kingdom of God above all else. And if we learn to live righteously, in a way that honors God, He will give us everything we need

Cynicism and Dreams Do Not Mix

Today begins my first day of american history. I'm taking the class with solzters so I am sure it will be fun even if the class is boring, and I've read some of the teacher reviews on myspace grade your teachers, and I am not holding out much hope on this one. But I will do great in the class because I have to being as it is my last class for the degree.

This weekend is going to be a great weekend. The adult youth leaders retreat followed by winter jam (which is gonna be awesome, cause rather you like toby mac or not, you can't deny he puts on a great show.)

I am extremely cynical ever since 08 began really. I question everything. I hear things at church all the time that drive me crazy. Most days I don't even feel like a Christian. Don't misinterpret me, I love God and I believe in Him with all my heart. It's just everything else that bugs me. The people all seem to lack passion. I can see all of them doing ridiculous things, and the ones that don't all seem like idiots. Honestly I swear the only person I know who has it right is my sister, who is amazing. Anyone can look to her as an example of a real Christian.

I've always thought I wanted to do something in ministry, but now I'm not sure I can handle a life surrounded by people who are either hypocrites or crazy. What I really want to do is play music for people, I love doing it, I love music. But I lack the confidence to pursue it. I'm scared I'm the only one who will ever care about my songs. That's why I'm so indecisive about what to do next after I graduate. That's why I'm clueless. I don't know rather to play it safe, and pursue some level of ministry, or to go for what I WANT with everything inside of me. I guess I should pray about it. But lately praying seems like a chore.

I've got some work to do.

A New Blog??

Whoa, I don't know if I will be using this or not. But I've always loved keeping blogs, and frankly myspace blogs is not something many people read. So I might give this a shot.

So first blog.

Sunday mornings. My church has a JV service. Lately I've been playing drums for the band, which is cool-- except for that fact that I really don't know how to play drums. Sure I can hit stuff and make something resembling a beat. But I don't have the technicality and skill of someone who knows how to play. Lucky for me today we had a guest drummer!!  So I got to play acoustic, which I enjoy doing as well. I don't know what will happen in future weeks, just a few other aggravations that will hopefully resolve themselves within the month's end.

Tonight is the season premiere of 24-- so that's what I'll be doing tonight. Tomorrow is the start of my final class for my AA degree! Here's hoping I pass!!