Imperfection

Most people go out of their way to hide their imperfection. I don't. I am very transparent. I figure if everyone can see your faults then they can hold you accountable to correct them.

Yes, there is always those who will see your faults and judge you for it. Those who would rather point out how spiritually adept they are rather than help you improve. But do we really need their input in our lives?

We can't listen to them. We can't allow those people to bring us to anger or resentment.

That is just them showing us one of their faults.

As for my imperfection... Growing up in church, I've been a Christian for what most people my age consider to be a long time. Most of that time has been filled with those miraculous God encounters, while my mind has remained steadfast and filled with the perfect mix of peace and joy. A clear mind focused on the pursuit of God. I suppose I took it for granted, that is the only thing that can explain why when it began to change I barely took notice.

This past year has been an extremely different experience. A clear mind became cluttered. God's presence often felt far. In fact, the only time He felt near was those few moments when He allowed me to be a vessel from which He can move.

I began to become angry that He felt so distant. Frustrated that the feelings of my youth seemed to have dissipated from reality into nothing.

Now, someone who is truly committed can carry on with a lack of emotion for some time, but if you are not cautious the human nature inside of you will develop certain negative feelings of resentment towards those who don't seem to struggle as you do. That is what happened to me. Is happening to me.

My mind has been in a constant state of no emotion. The only thing holding me to God is pure commitment. I look around and I see certain people who are ALWAYS so consistently saying the most positive spiritual uplifting things and instead of being happy that they are inspired... I'm jealous. I am wishing that it could be me. I'm angry that it's not. Resentment begins to build to the point where I can't stand to be around certain Christians and my mind justifies it by glazing it over with cynicism.

I have become cynical.

Everyone struggles with different things in different seasons. I can now see all of this in myself and my spirit is grieved. My spirit doesn't want to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. My flesh can't help it. It is riddled with imperfection and the Spirit will have nothing to do with it.

Thus I have returned to that never ending battle between spirit and flesh.

Thank God my Spirit is alive enough to fight this imperfect flesh that lives in me.

Next comes winning.