Bah-BLAHGz

2012. Just remembered I have a blogspot.

Never use it.

Realizing how whiny and insecure I was 2 years while re-reading some of my past blogs.
Yikes.

I have always enjoyed blogging though. Let's see, what's happened in the past 2 years. I went to Germany for 3 months. Bought a car. Got a job. Got married. Didn't really get married. Did get a bachelor's degree in theology. YEA. Finished my last class last week. Will be applying for my credentials with the assemblies of God and beginning the process of looking for a youth pastor position soon.

Working with the students and next level and seeing how God moves in their lives is incredible. Wherever I go, I want to be able to see those same things. More than that, I want to be able to protect students and be there for them when they are hurt so that God can heal them. I want to be there as a young person discovers a passion for God and begins to bold step out in faith and impact their world. It's a dream worth having and a dream that I am certain God has placed inside me.

I still have struggles, but that doesn't make me less of a Christian or a weaker person. It shows me that I still have more of my life to surrender to God and is an opportunity to do so. I never want to stop giving myself to the Lord. When we feel like there's nothing left to give Him we stop pressing in and begin pulling away, even if unintentionally. There is always more in God and therefore there is always more of myself to give Him.

So that's what I'll do.

Year of Change?

I feel older today. I feel like an adult. There isn't really a reason behind it. I just feel more mature. I'm probably losing it.

This year has been a year of revelation and decisions. I'm growing in the things of God and my mind is becoming more focused on what I desire to do. Leading worship is incredible and pouring into the lives of teenagers is an amazing experience. I love being able to teach young musicians how to play together as a team. Granted I've just started doing that and I'm still learning some thing myself, but it is so fun taking their talent and focusing it into something greater.

My focus right now is on becoming who I must become in order to achieve what I MUST achieve. The more I pursue God, the greater the urgency that grows inside of me to see this generation arise and become the power packed people I know they can be. As a result I'm kind of losing touch with the world around me. Friendships have kind of lost their value. I've never been one to have many friends and right now I feel like I'm losing the few I have. I just can't give them the attention they deserve. I'm pretty busy and the spare time do have I find myself only longing to get in the presence of God.

I suppose it's normal as we grow up for our peer group to change. People are always moving in different directions. I just wish I was one of those people that could have the same group of friends for an extended period of time. But I'm not. Maybe I'm too weird, or maybe I'm just a jerk.

My life goal this week is to be obedient to God. As a new worship leader I've been too caught up with trying to figure out how to get these kids to worship that I've been trying to force an encounter with God. I've been learning that it isn't about trying to IMPACT them but obedience to God. Through my obedience God will be able to impact them.

That's enough writing for one day. If I wrote my entire mind, this would be too long for anyone to ever even consider investing their time to read.

Same Place Again

I am often overcome with the weight of my sin.

I am often lacking understanding as to the source of my anger.

My spirit desires more of God, but I keep getting in the way.

Lord, I lack the ability. Give me Your strength so that I might benefit Your Kingdom.

When will I get past this revelation? GOD I know I am weak. I know I need your strength. When will I stop trying to do this on my own and fully put my trust in you? To know all the answers and yet still be incapable of following through is frustrating. I hate this place. Lord, I must get closer to You so that my students might be able to have a path to follow. God if I don't make it I only pray that You will provide for them something even greater.

In Your name I lay down my life.

Make it yours.

Inadequacy

I feel inadequate. I feel inferior. Without worth. I don't measure up to the standard I want to live.

Some days I wonder why I try...

Other days I give up on trying all together.

Grown Ups

Some people are always trying to be an adult.

Some people grow up faster than anyone should have too.

Some people never seem to get there.

Congratulatins, you're 20, live a life filled with parties, drugs, and alcohol. Is this what passes for being grown up in our society?

Outside Reality

To think there are people in this world who have not tasted the love of God.

Who am I to allow myself to be bitter and cynical in a place where people are encouraged to pursue that love. When your whole world is encased inside the doors of a church it is easy to lose touch with the world outside of your reality. But that word is no less real. Their need is no less.

It's time to reach out.

It's time to stop wavering and stand firm.

Be who we are destined to be. Claim what God has proclaimed over us. Live.

Burn This Town / Signal Flare

It's been a year of drought when it comes to writing. I've been uninspired, which after a year where I wrote around 35 songs is frustrating. Most of what I've written this year has been lackluster or too dark to see the light. But whatever. Here's a few things I've been working on.

Burn This Town

Walk this town of crooks and thieves

They hang their sin around their neck

flaunting their sexuality

pretty words disguise the wreck

This broken mess

abandoned like all the rest

This broken mess

abandon all they have left

I'm gonna burn this town of hypocrites

Burn this town of liars

Burn this town of wickedness

It's time to fight the fire

with fire

If I could find just one in this whole town

Just one who spoke and stood their ground

Just one and I'd spare this whole town....

but I'm no different

------------------

Signal Flare

Watch where I go

I'm not the one that you know

Try to figure me out

if you dare

And I've been playing along for some time

while you've been dancing

And I've been playing around for some time

And you keep on dancing

So send up the signal flare

And warn them that the night has come

To take them away

from all that they love

and they have ever known

in time they will see

despite what they believe

I am just a ghost

So let me go

I remember the day

when I was taken away from you

and I see your face so clearly

Don't go, you said

don't leave me here

all by myself again

now you see my face

Where ever you go...

Covenant

I've been reading in Genesis lately. Specifically the build up to the story of Joseph. We all know Joseph was elevated to second in command in Egypt and I was trying to understand why Joseph? Of all his family, why Joseph?

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph.

Jacob made a covenant with Labon to marry his second daughter rachel and after seven years his father allowed him to marry Leah instead. Eventually he was able to marry rachel as well, but rachel was unable to have children. God saw that Leah was unloved and allowed her to have many children. In time jacob also had children with both Rachel and Leah's servant girl.

Finally God allowed Rachel to conceive a child. His name was Joseph. Later on she gave birth to Benjamin.

A thought occurred to me. Joseph was first born under Jacob's original covenant with Labon for Rachel. So it makes since that God would bless Him. Now of course Joseph was faithful to serve the Lord through great difficulty, but he was the child of a covenant. (More than one since he is a descendant of Abraham.)

I began thinking, God I want to be a part of a covenant like that I want to be chosen.

That was when I realized that I am. So are you. When Jesus died it created a new covenant that included everyone. Now we are all chosen. The only thing that can keep us from entering into that covenant with God is ourselves.

We have to make that decision to stay pure, stay focused on our pursuit of God. Not to be distracted by what this world has to offer.

So for people questioning who you are I have an answer. You are a child under covenant with the King. Chosen for this time for Him to love you, for Him to move through you. Your Father, Friend, Lover, King. All that is in His Kingdom is at your disposal. You just have to receive it.

Pursuing A Place In The World

It is the struggle of many, myself included, to find a place in this world that they call their own. Often insecurities blind our ability to see what is right in front of us. I for one focus too much on my flaws and imperfections rather than the many wonderful opportunities I have been given.

So this is an exercise to help me realize some of the good things placed in my life as well as share a bit of what I've been up too since I haven't been an avid blogger as of late.

I'm an intern.

God has blessed me with an opportunity to be a sort of guinea pig as one of the first wave interns at our church. This allows me to utilize many of my giftings and talents I didn't even know I had. I've been editing video pretty much non stop since I've started. I am able to kind of put my personality into the youth ministry through a lot of the media coming up. Also exciting we are doing the service this week while my dad is out of town, so we are running the service message everything. I helped put the drama together, and I KNOW it is going to have a lasting impact.

I'm a bible student.

There is a new bible college with my church that is fully accredited. It's a sweet deal that allows me to pursue the one thing I've desired my whole life. Ministry. I still don't have a clear cut direction, but at least I can begin pursuing it.

I'm a drummer.

This is the one that is most shocking to me. I've been playing for really less than a year. No lessons, I just kind of started playing. Now I am the e3 drummer. I play for Mindy every wednesday now. It is truly a blessing to be the least talented of the drummers, at least in my mind, and yet be permitted by God to do something I truly love. Contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

All three of these things are also bringing me face to face with my many weaknesses.

The drumming forces me to face my mistakes. I mess up a lot, I lose my place or rhythm. But I have to deal with the failure and just move on to the next beat.

As a Bible Student I come face to face with my laziness and lack of motivation..... but then again come on I don't read the book or study at all and I get a perfect score on the test? It's like they are asking me to become a bigger slacker.

And the interning forces me to deal with my most deadly flaw. The eruptions mentioned in my previous blog. The guilt that plagues me after an eruption. The fear that they all see me as I see myself.... the weakest of Christians.

We all struggle to find a place in this world. Most of the time we have one, but our own insecurities and flaws skirt our perspective into a muddle point of view that blinds us from realizing our place is exactly where we are. Flaws and all. God's desire is to use us right where we are. Even if we don't understand our current place God will still use you. As long as you keep pursuing Him.

This search to find a place we belong is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. We will never find our place in this world until we have found our place in God. Our pursuit of God shows us that we are already where we belong.

Our pursuit of God eliminates the need for a place in this world and replaces it with purpose, regardless of what place we may find ourselves.

Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.