Post Imagination

I'm not a very good Christian. I wonder if anyone would believe that if I told them so. Perhaps I am to hard on myself. But more likely there is much work to be done in my life. God is full of grace and He never tires of giving me the opportunity to improve. So here's to improving.

I was recording The Re: Write with spidey the other day, it would have been done... but when I got home I accidentally deleted half of her vocals. lol. So it looks like we will have to Re: Record on The Re: Write. Not funny, haha. I love bad jokes.

Here is the song lyrics

The Re: Write

by Chris Lewis

jess: It's not working out

Not working

My mind's full of doubt

Not working

chris: Convince me to hold on to this ledge

jess: Hold on to this ledge

chris: To remember the promises we said

jess: Promises we said

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

jess: Rework the plan

both: We didn't account for all of life's demands

jess: all life's demands

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

Let's go back

Let's go back

jess: It's not working out

Not working 

My mind's full of doubt

Not working

chris: Convince me to let go of my fears

jess: Let go of your fears

chris: To forget the failures that we faced through the years

jess: That we faced through the years

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

jess: Rework the plan

both: We didn't account for all of life's demands

jess: all life's demands

both: Let's go back to the beginning and rework the plan

Let's go back

Let's go back

Let's rewrite history

chris: Time is on our side

Life will be our guide

We will turn the tide

Let's go back

Let's go back

Let's rewrite history

Imagination

It is easy to lose yourself in moments where things seem to be moving "nowhere". Maybe that is why God gave us imagination? So we can use it to see outcomes that seem unlikely, and think of ways to turn them into reality. Or maybe it is just to entertain ourselves.

The past couple of months I have been occasionally recording songs with spider-man. Occasionally knows as Jessica Sizemore.  We have recored four so far. But Saturday I started writing a song for her to sing. I love it. I'm actually going to end up singing most of it, lol. But there are written background vocal parts through the whole thing, so it really does take us both all the way through. I've recorded all my parts (I think), and I absolutely LOVE this song SO much. I can't wait to record her parts and put it up for everyone to hear. It is a nice and chill song with a nice whirly intro. (the name of the software instrument was whirly, lol) It is called "The Re: Write" and i will soon be available for listening.

I really like her songs too, they are simple and catchy. I think our voices compliment each other nice enough. I think we will end up recording a whole album and calling it "The Spider Project"

Tracks so far:

1. The Re: Write (written by Chris)

2. Blue Mountains (written by Jess)

3. Places We Cannot Go (Chris)

4. Embrace (Jess)

5. An Informal Scrap (Jess, save for bridge by Chris)

...

6. Spider-Man is a Girl (ok this one doesn't exsist, but I want to write it, lol)

Tonight is a mandatory meeting for the worship team. The Sound Team. And anyone wanting to join. I'm really excited. I think a lot of great things are going to emerge from this meeting.

Pre-Imagination

I think the reason I stopped blogging over a year ago is that I don't like posting blogs that are emo or uninspiring. And unfortunately I am often feeling emotions that leave one uninspired. Those are times when great music flows from my mind, but my thoughts are often confused and leave me lacking.

I feel tired. I am tired. Not because I had a tiring day, rather because it was one of those days where just about everything seemed to spiral outside of my control. I find myself completely unsatisfied with almost every aspect of my life. Jobless, unsure of where to go... I just want to play music, but I don't know how to just do that. I want to share my songs with the world, but I am certain the world doesn't care about any song I could write. I feel without purpose, and ultimately without worth.

I feel saddened because all I wanted to do tonight was support one of the kids in my small group at a basketball game, and I feel like I couldn't even do that right. Small turn out with half the people leaving before the game was over. With six minute quarters I don't understand why. I don't even really like basketball, but he did do a great job playing. And they won!

I played drums last Wednesday. I wasn't feeling very rhythmic. So I do not feel as though I played very well. Everything just seems off-- out of place. Maybe I am out of place? But then what is the right place?

Why is it that some everything clicks and then other days---- it all seems to fall apart?

My Heart and My Flesh

New worship song I've spent the day working on. It is an attempt to show the duality of the heart and the flesh, they search for the same thing, but go about trying to fulfill it very differently.

My heart and my flesh are searching for love
And Lord all this time I've been filling up
With things of this world that never fill
But Lord I feel your love when I'm standing still

OH Precious Lord
OH Precious God

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

My heart and my flesh are searching for hope
All the roads in this world ended up alone
I've caught a glimpse of Your presence Lord
Father my heart is thirsty for more

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

I know that You see me when I am so empty
I know that you see past my doubt
You're so quick to hold me when I am in need
and I need You

OH Precious Lord
OH Precious God

I've been living for your love
I've been dying without your touch
and Lord I'm in need of the grace that You give us
I need You

Off Beat

Lately I've been feeling a little bit off. Like the circuits in my body are just not lining up the way they are supposed to. Weird.

Fiction Family -- the infusion of Jon foreman and Sean watkins. Check them out. It's amazing.

I feel a lack of motivation and quite uninspired.

I don't even have some amusing story to pass on.

Recognizing a Gift

Yesterday afternoon I left my house to embark on the youth leaders retreat. It has been so good thus far. Last night we just had a great time of worship and prayer. Real prayer. We prayed over everyone. Screaming, crying-- I think almost everyone cried in some capacity. The Lord had a word for I think everyone here. I for one feel refreshed, and rejuvenated. I feel like a Christian, but more than that I feel like a youth leader. I know that God has a plan for my small group, and I just pray that it will be clear as I present His words. I feel a little messed up. It's been a long time since I've experienced the presence of God in that capacity. I think I often try to hard so get there that I prevent myself from receiving. The presence of God isn't something you can force yourself to experience. It is when you stop trying to receive it and just surrender yourself completely that God will immerse you in His wonder.

That is the problem though isn't it. What does it mean to completely surrender yourself? That is not a natural  progression. In fact I find it to be quite a difficult task. Simply because to surrender means to quit trying. To no longer do anything. And that is the opposite of what is natural. Because we are sinful creatures, unworthy of the love God desires to pour out on us. We think that to get a hold of God we have to live as close to perfect as we can. To earn it. We feel we should have to pray and claw our way through some epic spiritual battleground and then if we are lucky enough God will reward us with a glimpse into His presence. And there are times to crawl through that battleground. However God's presence is a gift. And receiving a gift requires nothing from us. The change in our lives is a result of choosing to receive that gift.

So why is it that so many Christians, such as myself, lose sight of that? Why do we feel that all of a sudden we have to earn the right to be in God's presence? We can never earn that to begin with. We could never be good enough to achieve the rights to something so majestic. That is why it has to be a gift. And all we have to do is receive it.

It doesn't matter where you are in your walk with God. Rather you've been saved your whole life, or you've never truly experienced that presence of God, you can receive it from anywhere. Just open your heart and ask God to reveal himself to you, and stop trying to live up to some righteous idea of how you should be and just receive it.

A Taste for the Bizarre

I had a bizarre dream. I would reach behind the left side of my head and pull out these little black things and as I held them in my hand, before my eyes they became popcorn. If I pulled from the right side of my head, they turned into those thorny prickly things that get stuck to your pants when you walk in the woods. Is there some profound meaning in here, left versus right? Or is it just insane?

I'm a little torn. e3 was amazing last night. God's presence was there without doubt. For the first time since I can remember people were crying and screaming and the alter call was just packed with kids getting a touch from God. I was in the kitchen. I'm a little annoyed that God would do that on the night that the knock-offs were in charge of the habit shack, kind of meaning I couldn't REALLY be a part of it. I still got to go out there and play guitar for a few minutes, and God was undeniably there, it was awesome. I just wish I could have been there the whole service and really got something out of it. On the other hand several people told my dad that part of the reason God showed up like he did was that the knock-offs welcoming everyone and screaming set the atmosphere up front and raised expectations. So I guess I'm just glad that we could play some small role in that. I just hope God keeps showing up, because I need Him to.

Truly I can sense God's presence all around me, yet I feel as though I am separate from it. Like today I was able to play guitar as mindy sang at the youth network meeting. I could feel God's presence emanating all around me and my desire is to reach out and touch it, but somehow I am unable to reach it. I guess that is just the way things are sometimes in life. You feel lost and confused. Without purpose. Just a wanderer. Sometimes we lose our direction. I guess we just have to keep moving forward and trust that we will end up in the right place. Like the ship from the voyage of the dawn treader. No matter what strange thing they came up against, or how discouraged they became, or how unlikely it seemed, they kept pressing east toward aslan's country. I have to believe that if I keep pressing forward despite this lack I'm feeling that I too will end up completely immersed in the presence of God and His purpose for my life.

I'm Still Learning To Live

Tonight is e3. It is also the night my home group "The Knock-offs" take over and show everyone why we are the best home group! We've got the signs made and we are ready to create e3's first greeting tunnel and make everyone feel awkward as they walk through the doors.

Tonight I get to a break from my recent drum playing and return to the acoustic guitar. It's funny, the kid who is gonna be drumming tonight was all worried that I was going to be offended since he wasn't on the schedule. And yes in certain circumstances that could be an aggravation. But when the wonderful Mindy "Richard" Kerr told me prior to practice she also said that she was missing the stronger acoustic, so that felt good, and several of the songs are acoustic driven. All that combined and the past few weeks I have been feeling more confident in my ability. If I keep working I may even be half decent someday ;).

Before e3 I must return to american history. I can't believe when I gave the description Prof. Putsis that I left out his baldness.

I went to soli's house last night to watch american idol. I'm not a huge idol fan, but I won't lie-- it is fun to watch it as a group, especially when they are really into it. I also find it enjoyable to be mean to the people they like, and support the jerks on the show, lol. They probably know that I'm joking. . .  right? o_O

I am really looking forward to February. That is the month I'm finally starting my home group on some really great biblical principles. What we believe, and how to live out a Christian life. Really live it out. That is, after all the purpose of life. Learning how to live--

and I think if we were honest, we're all still learning how to live.

Quote of the Week

I was watching Conan O' Brien and this section of the interview made me laugh.

Conan O' Brien: Do kids, you know, teenagers say the word "like" in england?

Daniel Radcliffe (don't forget the english accent): yes AND they're rarely using similes

The Quirks, The Work and The Shirk

His name has two "syllabus". That's what he said. Put-sis. He is certainly a bit odd in speech and mannerism. His arms gangly and his head the wrong size for his body. He belongs as a side character on Gilmore Girls with his quirky personality. Entertaining for a few minutes and then starts to get boring. Suddenly he says something completely random and off the wall unintentionally causing me to laugh. This is my teacher for american history, and does he love american history.

I'm supposed to get a job. I don't know where to look. Certainly I lack motivation to do so. I think I'm hoping someone will just appear before me and offer me a job making magic wands.

I wrote 31 songs in 2008.

Relationships. Why do so many people feel like they have to always be in a relationship? Sure no one wants to be alone, but being single isn't a bad thing. I can think of a few friends in particular that are never single longer than a few weeks. OR they claim to be single, but have that "FRIEND" on the side fulfilling that emotional need in their lives. The thing that has always bothered me is why people are in such a hurry to jump into a relationship when their lives are a wreck. How exactly can you devote such time to someone when your relationship with God is a joke. When you don't have the slightest idea of what your future holds? Devoting time to a relationship takes time away from the other things in life that are more important. It says in Matthew chapter 6 not to worry what you will eat, or what you will wear, and I would say who you should be in a relationship with. It says in verse 33 To seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So I guess that's what all Christians really need to get back to. It is so easy to get distracted by what the world tells us we should do. The world tells us to acquire certain things to be successful, the world offers a multitude of distractions. But the Bible says to seek the kingdom of God above all else. And if we learn to live righteously, in a way that honors God, He will give us everything we need

Cynicism and Dreams Do Not Mix

Today begins my first day of american history. I'm taking the class with solzters so I am sure it will be fun even if the class is boring, and I've read some of the teacher reviews on myspace grade your teachers, and I am not holding out much hope on this one. But I will do great in the class because I have to being as it is my last class for the degree.

This weekend is going to be a great weekend. The adult youth leaders retreat followed by winter jam (which is gonna be awesome, cause rather you like toby mac or not, you can't deny he puts on a great show.)

I am extremely cynical ever since 08 began really. I question everything. I hear things at church all the time that drive me crazy. Most days I don't even feel like a Christian. Don't misinterpret me, I love God and I believe in Him with all my heart. It's just everything else that bugs me. The people all seem to lack passion. I can see all of them doing ridiculous things, and the ones that don't all seem like idiots. Honestly I swear the only person I know who has it right is my sister, who is amazing. Anyone can look to her as an example of a real Christian.

I've always thought I wanted to do something in ministry, but now I'm not sure I can handle a life surrounded by people who are either hypocrites or crazy. What I really want to do is play music for people, I love doing it, I love music. But I lack the confidence to pursue it. I'm scared I'm the only one who will ever care about my songs. That's why I'm so indecisive about what to do next after I graduate. That's why I'm clueless. I don't know rather to play it safe, and pursue some level of ministry, or to go for what I WANT with everything inside of me. I guess I should pray about it. But lately praying seems like a chore.

I've got some work to do.

A New Blog??

Whoa, I don't know if I will be using this or not. But I've always loved keeping blogs, and frankly myspace blogs is not something many people read. So I might give this a shot.

So first blog.

Sunday mornings. My church has a JV service. Lately I've been playing drums for the band, which is cool-- except for that fact that I really don't know how to play drums. Sure I can hit stuff and make something resembling a beat. But I don't have the technicality and skill of someone who knows how to play. Lucky for me today we had a guest drummer!!  So I got to play acoustic, which I enjoy doing as well. I don't know what will happen in future weeks, just a few other aggravations that will hopefully resolve themselves within the month's end.

Tonight is the season premiere of 24-- so that's what I'll be doing tonight. Tomorrow is the start of my final class for my AA degree! Here's hoping I pass!!