Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.