Are you ready to see into my eyes?
I'm not who I say I am.
Mockery. Secret lives. Belonging.
I would almost rather be alone at all times. If no one is close to you, no one can hurt you. juvenile thinking, I know. But even having the few people in my life I would truly consider friends sucks, because I get used to being myself, and then when they're not around, I remember people suck and are not as accepting as they are. Especially guys. I remember now why I don't have any guy friends. So quick to jump on the flawed so they look better themselves.
So I retreat into the other me, the angsty me. The hurting me. The angry me. The better me?
The only times in life I have truly felt acceptance is in God's presence. And let's be honest I've been neglectful of that lately. That makes me feel so much worst. Times like these I truly despise myself.
And God still gives me opportunities to do what I love, minister in song. More opportunities actually. And He still anoints me. He still allows His presence to show up. And it sucks because I deserve it so little. It is almost more of a curse that He would move through me.
We all need forgiveness.
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