Inadequacy

I feel inadequate. I feel inferior. Without worth. I don't measure up to the standard I want to live.

Some days I wonder why I try...

Other days I give up on trying all together.

Grown Ups

Some people are always trying to be an adult.

Some people grow up faster than anyone should have too.

Some people never seem to get there.

Congratulatins, you're 20, live a life filled with parties, drugs, and alcohol. Is this what passes for being grown up in our society?

Outside Reality

To think there are people in this world who have not tasted the love of God.

Who am I to allow myself to be bitter and cynical in a place where people are encouraged to pursue that love. When your whole world is encased inside the doors of a church it is easy to lose touch with the world outside of your reality. But that word is no less real. Their need is no less.

It's time to reach out.

It's time to stop wavering and stand firm.

Be who we are destined to be. Claim what God has proclaimed over us. Live.

Burn This Town / Signal Flare

It's been a year of drought when it comes to writing. I've been uninspired, which after a year where I wrote around 35 songs is frustrating. Most of what I've written this year has been lackluster or too dark to see the light. But whatever. Here's a few things I've been working on.

Burn This Town

Walk this town of crooks and thieves

They hang their sin around their neck

flaunting their sexuality

pretty words disguise the wreck

This broken mess

abandoned like all the rest

This broken mess

abandon all they have left

I'm gonna burn this town of hypocrites

Burn this town of liars

Burn this town of wickedness

It's time to fight the fire

with fire

If I could find just one in this whole town

Just one who spoke and stood their ground

Just one and I'd spare this whole town....

but I'm no different

------------------

Signal Flare

Watch where I go

I'm not the one that you know

Try to figure me out

if you dare

And I've been playing along for some time

while you've been dancing

And I've been playing around for some time

And you keep on dancing

So send up the signal flare

And warn them that the night has come

To take them away

from all that they love

and they have ever known

in time they will see

despite what they believe

I am just a ghost

So let me go

I remember the day

when I was taken away from you

and I see your face so clearly

Don't go, you said

don't leave me here

all by myself again

now you see my face

Where ever you go...

Covenant

I've been reading in Genesis lately. Specifically the build up to the story of Joseph. We all know Joseph was elevated to second in command in Egypt and I was trying to understand why Joseph? Of all his family, why Joseph?

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph.

Jacob made a covenant with Labon to marry his second daughter rachel and after seven years his father allowed him to marry Leah instead. Eventually he was able to marry rachel as well, but rachel was unable to have children. God saw that Leah was unloved and allowed her to have many children. In time jacob also had children with both Rachel and Leah's servant girl.

Finally God allowed Rachel to conceive a child. His name was Joseph. Later on she gave birth to Benjamin.

A thought occurred to me. Joseph was first born under Jacob's original covenant with Labon for Rachel. So it makes since that God would bless Him. Now of course Joseph was faithful to serve the Lord through great difficulty, but he was the child of a covenant. (More than one since he is a descendant of Abraham.)

I began thinking, God I want to be a part of a covenant like that I want to be chosen.

That was when I realized that I am. So are you. When Jesus died it created a new covenant that included everyone. Now we are all chosen. The only thing that can keep us from entering into that covenant with God is ourselves.

We have to make that decision to stay pure, stay focused on our pursuit of God. Not to be distracted by what this world has to offer.

So for people questioning who you are I have an answer. You are a child under covenant with the King. Chosen for this time for Him to love you, for Him to move through you. Your Father, Friend, Lover, King. All that is in His Kingdom is at your disposal. You just have to receive it.

Pursuing A Place In The World

It is the struggle of many, myself included, to find a place in this world that they call their own. Often insecurities blind our ability to see what is right in front of us. I for one focus too much on my flaws and imperfections rather than the many wonderful opportunities I have been given.

So this is an exercise to help me realize some of the good things placed in my life as well as share a bit of what I've been up too since I haven't been an avid blogger as of late.

I'm an intern.

God has blessed me with an opportunity to be a sort of guinea pig as one of the first wave interns at our church. This allows me to utilize many of my giftings and talents I didn't even know I had. I've been editing video pretty much non stop since I've started. I am able to kind of put my personality into the youth ministry through a lot of the media coming up. Also exciting we are doing the service this week while my dad is out of town, so we are running the service message everything. I helped put the drama together, and I KNOW it is going to have a lasting impact.

I'm a bible student.

There is a new bible college with my church that is fully accredited. It's a sweet deal that allows me to pursue the one thing I've desired my whole life. Ministry. I still don't have a clear cut direction, but at least I can begin pursuing it.

I'm a drummer.

This is the one that is most shocking to me. I've been playing for really less than a year. No lessons, I just kind of started playing. Now I am the e3 drummer. I play for Mindy every wednesday now. It is truly a blessing to be the least talented of the drummers, at least in my mind, and yet be permitted by God to do something I truly love. Contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

All three of these things are also bringing me face to face with my many weaknesses.

The drumming forces me to face my mistakes. I mess up a lot, I lose my place or rhythm. But I have to deal with the failure and just move on to the next beat.

As a Bible Student I come face to face with my laziness and lack of motivation..... but then again come on I don't read the book or study at all and I get a perfect score on the test? It's like they are asking me to become a bigger slacker.

And the interning forces me to deal with my most deadly flaw. The eruptions mentioned in my previous blog. The guilt that plagues me after an eruption. The fear that they all see me as I see myself.... the weakest of Christians.

We all struggle to find a place in this world. Most of the time we have one, but our own insecurities and flaws skirt our perspective into a muddle point of view that blinds us from realizing our place is exactly where we are. Flaws and all. God's desire is to use us right where we are. Even if we don't understand our current place God will still use you. As long as you keep pursuing Him.

This search to find a place we belong is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. We will never find our place in this world until we have found our place in God. Our pursuit of God shows us that we are already where we belong.

Our pursuit of God eliminates the need for a place in this world and replaces it with purpose, regardless of what place we may find ourselves.

Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.

Imperfection

Most people go out of their way to hide their imperfection. I don't. I am very transparent. I figure if everyone can see your faults then they can hold you accountable to correct them.

Yes, there is always those who will see your faults and judge you for it. Those who would rather point out how spiritually adept they are rather than help you improve. But do we really need their input in our lives?

We can't listen to them. We can't allow those people to bring us to anger or resentment.

That is just them showing us one of their faults.

As for my imperfection... Growing up in church, I've been a Christian for what most people my age consider to be a long time. Most of that time has been filled with those miraculous God encounters, while my mind has remained steadfast and filled with the perfect mix of peace and joy. A clear mind focused on the pursuit of God. I suppose I took it for granted, that is the only thing that can explain why when it began to change I barely took notice.

This past year has been an extremely different experience. A clear mind became cluttered. God's presence often felt far. In fact, the only time He felt near was those few moments when He allowed me to be a vessel from which He can move.

I began to become angry that He felt so distant. Frustrated that the feelings of my youth seemed to have dissipated from reality into nothing.

Now, someone who is truly committed can carry on with a lack of emotion for some time, but if you are not cautious the human nature inside of you will develop certain negative feelings of resentment towards those who don't seem to struggle as you do. That is what happened to me. Is happening to me.

My mind has been in a constant state of no emotion. The only thing holding me to God is pure commitment. I look around and I see certain people who are ALWAYS so consistently saying the most positive spiritual uplifting things and instead of being happy that they are inspired... I'm jealous. I am wishing that it could be me. I'm angry that it's not. Resentment begins to build to the point where I can't stand to be around certain Christians and my mind justifies it by glazing it over with cynicism.

I have become cynical.

Everyone struggles with different things in different seasons. I can now see all of this in myself and my spirit is grieved. My spirit doesn't want to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. My flesh can't help it. It is riddled with imperfection and the Spirit will have nothing to do with it.

Thus I have returned to that never ending battle between spirit and flesh.

Thank God my Spirit is alive enough to fight this imperfect flesh that lives in me.

Next comes winning.

Individuality in the Kingdom

I pride myself on being who I am regardless of my company. I pride myself on being completely honest, blunt and absolutely nothing less than the raw unfiltered nature that is inside of me. Rather people like it or not. Rather people understand it or not. I recognize that I am who I am.

So why is it that when it comes to worship and my relationship with God I try to channel my energies into becoming more structured than I actually am. When I look at every relationship in my life, and of course I'm not great at maintaining relationships, I see randomness. Spontaneous conversation. Yet when I look at my relationship with God I try to make it this neat little package that goes in a certain order. I don't communicate in order. I communicate in emotion. I look back on my life and when I worship God- truly worship Him. The times I've crawled into His arms and felt that closeness, it was a pure, spontaneous, random and passionate entanglement.

I think that is part of the reason I've felt so distant from God lately. I've tried to enter into His presence with a structure that I don't have in any other area of my life. I'm not truly being myself. Why would this be the one area in my life which I try to be someone other than me? I guess I get so used to being misunderstood, people misreading my intentions and the meaning of what I'm trying to communicate that I forget God created me and accepts me exactly as I am. How tragically ironic that the one place I am truly accepted is the one place I try to hide who I am.

So from here on I guess I'm gonna be spending time with God in that crazy way only He and I will understand. And I love it already.

How amazing that in the infinite Kingdom of God there is room for each of us to have our own unique individuality.

Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.