Pursuing A Place In The World

It is the struggle of many, myself included, to find a place in this world that they call their own. Often insecurities blind our ability to see what is right in front of us. I for one focus too much on my flaws and imperfections rather than the many wonderful opportunities I have been given.

So this is an exercise to help me realize some of the good things placed in my life as well as share a bit of what I've been up too since I haven't been an avid blogger as of late.

I'm an intern.

God has blessed me with an opportunity to be a sort of guinea pig as one of the first wave interns at our church. This allows me to utilize many of my giftings and talents I didn't even know I had. I've been editing video pretty much non stop since I've started. I am able to kind of put my personality into the youth ministry through a lot of the media coming up. Also exciting we are doing the service this week while my dad is out of town, so we are running the service message everything. I helped put the drama together, and I KNOW it is going to have a lasting impact.

I'm a bible student.

There is a new bible college with my church that is fully accredited. It's a sweet deal that allows me to pursue the one thing I've desired my whole life. Ministry. I still don't have a clear cut direction, but at least I can begin pursuing it.

I'm a drummer.

This is the one that is most shocking to me. I've been playing for really less than a year. No lessons, I just kind of started playing. Now I am the e3 drummer. I play for Mindy every wednesday now. It is truly a blessing to be the least talented of the drummers, at least in my mind, and yet be permitted by God to do something I truly love. Contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

All three of these things are also bringing me face to face with my many weaknesses.

The drumming forces me to face my mistakes. I mess up a lot, I lose my place or rhythm. But I have to deal with the failure and just move on to the next beat.

As a Bible Student I come face to face with my laziness and lack of motivation..... but then again come on I don't read the book or study at all and I get a perfect score on the test? It's like they are asking me to become a bigger slacker.

And the interning forces me to deal with my most deadly flaw. The eruptions mentioned in my previous blog. The guilt that plagues me after an eruption. The fear that they all see me as I see myself.... the weakest of Christians.

We all struggle to find a place in this world. Most of the time we have one, but our own insecurities and flaws skirt our perspective into a muddle point of view that blinds us from realizing our place is exactly where we are. Flaws and all. God's desire is to use us right where we are. Even if we don't understand our current place God will still use you. As long as you keep pursuing Him.

This search to find a place we belong is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. We will never find our place in this world until we have found our place in God. Our pursuit of God shows us that we are already where we belong.

Our pursuit of God eliminates the need for a place in this world and replaces it with purpose, regardless of what place we may find ourselves.

Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.

Imperfection

Most people go out of their way to hide their imperfection. I don't. I am very transparent. I figure if everyone can see your faults then they can hold you accountable to correct them.

Yes, there is always those who will see your faults and judge you for it. Those who would rather point out how spiritually adept they are rather than help you improve. But do we really need their input in our lives?

We can't listen to them. We can't allow those people to bring us to anger or resentment.

That is just them showing us one of their faults.

As for my imperfection... Growing up in church, I've been a Christian for what most people my age consider to be a long time. Most of that time has been filled with those miraculous God encounters, while my mind has remained steadfast and filled with the perfect mix of peace and joy. A clear mind focused on the pursuit of God. I suppose I took it for granted, that is the only thing that can explain why when it began to change I barely took notice.

This past year has been an extremely different experience. A clear mind became cluttered. God's presence often felt far. In fact, the only time He felt near was those few moments when He allowed me to be a vessel from which He can move.

I began to become angry that He felt so distant. Frustrated that the feelings of my youth seemed to have dissipated from reality into nothing.

Now, someone who is truly committed can carry on with a lack of emotion for some time, but if you are not cautious the human nature inside of you will develop certain negative feelings of resentment towards those who don't seem to struggle as you do. That is what happened to me. Is happening to me.

My mind has been in a constant state of no emotion. The only thing holding me to God is pure commitment. I look around and I see certain people who are ALWAYS so consistently saying the most positive spiritual uplifting things and instead of being happy that they are inspired... I'm jealous. I am wishing that it could be me. I'm angry that it's not. Resentment begins to build to the point where I can't stand to be around certain Christians and my mind justifies it by glazing it over with cynicism.

I have become cynical.

Everyone struggles with different things in different seasons. I can now see all of this in myself and my spirit is grieved. My spirit doesn't want to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. My flesh can't help it. It is riddled with imperfection and the Spirit will have nothing to do with it.

Thus I have returned to that never ending battle between spirit and flesh.

Thank God my Spirit is alive enough to fight this imperfect flesh that lives in me.

Next comes winning.

Individuality in the Kingdom

I pride myself on being who I am regardless of my company. I pride myself on being completely honest, blunt and absolutely nothing less than the raw unfiltered nature that is inside of me. Rather people like it or not. Rather people understand it or not. I recognize that I am who I am.

So why is it that when it comes to worship and my relationship with God I try to channel my energies into becoming more structured than I actually am. When I look at every relationship in my life, and of course I'm not great at maintaining relationships, I see randomness. Spontaneous conversation. Yet when I look at my relationship with God I try to make it this neat little package that goes in a certain order. I don't communicate in order. I communicate in emotion. I look back on my life and when I worship God- truly worship Him. The times I've crawled into His arms and felt that closeness, it was a pure, spontaneous, random and passionate entanglement.

I think that is part of the reason I've felt so distant from God lately. I've tried to enter into His presence with a structure that I don't have in any other area of my life. I'm not truly being myself. Why would this be the one area in my life which I try to be someone other than me? I guess I get so used to being misunderstood, people misreading my intentions and the meaning of what I'm trying to communicate that I forget God created me and accepts me exactly as I am. How tragically ironic that the one place I am truly accepted is the one place I try to hide who I am.

So from here on I guess I'm gonna be spending time with God in that crazy way only He and I will understand. And I love it already.

How amazing that in the infinite Kingdom of God there is room for each of us to have our own unique individuality.

Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.

A Rare Moment of Clarity

My mind is often riddled with insecurities and unspoken frustrations. My emotions are so often in a funk that I can't seem to crawl out of.

There are several reasons for this.

ONE- I have a hard time making lasting friendships, I don't relate well with people, and it makes it hard to build relationships.

TWO- This leads to feelings of loneliness, which is a frustrating feeling that people who always fit in have a hard time understanding. They can understand a level of it, but not in the full brutality that comes with a constant state of being alone.

THREE- I am unable to reach out and talk to my family, I don't know how to. I am closed off. I would gladly tell anyone outside of my family (or my sister) anything, if they ever asked, but no one knows me well enough to see when I'm messed up to know that they should ask.

FOUR- I am ashamed of my dark natured angry thoughts, and won't post them on facebook or anything because most Christians only want to try to give me their solution instead of reaching out and connecting to me.

So lately, I've been a very angry and frustrated person trying to make connections with anyone that will have me.

There is a group of people, that I have associated with in the past, one of which is my best friend who I usually hang out with outside of this particular group, that I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lately. In this time hanging out with them I have learned a lot of interesting things about them. Some "secrets" that I find to be amusing they think are secret. Some random personality quirks, But the thing that sticks out the most is the way some of them act differently around each other. Specifically in the way they treat other people. They are opinionated and share their opinions. Not necessarily a bad thing. But when we all go over to a friends house, and in the half an hour we are there before leaving, complain about how lame everything is without any thought over how that person might feel. I have a problem with that.

And mostly I don't see why so many things are considered lame or uncool. I've always been the type of person who was content doing anything and everything. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to associate with such opinionated people when those opinions might cause others to feel inferior.

So for now I will again withdraw from my quest for acceptance, and focus my mind on the coming months of study, and intern. Again focus my mind on my pursuit of greater understanding. Greater spiritual understanding. Greater understanding of people. Greater understanding of myself.

Maybe in time, God will provide all I'm so desperately looking for.

Sleeping Pictures

I dreamed last night. I almost never remember my dreams. But I remember a million ridiculous details about this one. 

We were at a final drama practice preparing for our trip to Germany. We started around five o clock and we intended to practice until 3:00 am. The location oddly enough was the youth room from my old church in Pensacola. For whatever reason my parts in the drama had all been changed to be in the balcony. Weird. But that part doesn't matter.

There was a guest with us. A worship leader. We were going to spend some time in prayer and he shared with us that he never intended to be a worship leader. He never intended to play guitar. But he was evangelizing one day and he met this kid who played guitar. He didn't know how to connect with that kid, so he learned how to play guitar for that purpose. The only reason he wanted to play guitar was so he could connect with that kid and show Him the way to God.

In this dream the presence if God came down on me in a powerful way. In a way I haven't experienced awake in some time. I began to cry. Because I knew God had anointed our guest with the ability to lead worship because his heart, his passion was to bring people into the presence of God. He didn't care about having the highest quality of music. He didn't care about what people thought. He only cared about reaching that lost kid for The Kingdom. I was on my knees crying under God's presence, hoping that it would last all night.

Then I awoke to emptiness, there was no presence with me.

God forgive me.

Evil in May

The Knock-offs are awesome!! Even a night like tonight where all the leaders are missing except for me and we have a great time. This first meeting in May was our movie night, so we watched the Emperor's New Groove, and played some really fun games!

MAY-- why does this month exist? I think it might be evil. Though I am going to Germany later this month so it can't be all bad.

EVIL -- There is an organization that has led to multiple relationships. ALL ODD relationships filled with strangeness. How could an organization leading to so much awkwardness be allowed to continue?!

ORGANIZATIONS -- I got nothing I just started a trend and wanted to continue it.

TREND -- I don't understand trends. People pack together and start doing the same thing and then flock to people who join in and are blinded to the ones who are anti-conformists.

That is all.

Fits of Laughter and Wrestling Matches

What instrument will I play tonight in e3? If any. I am not on the schedule, this is true. However our bassist tonight is not coming, so the acoustic will move over there. And our drummer is an enigma. I'm not even sure if he is still our drummer. Pre synopsis says I will probably be on the drums.

Germany is like three weeks away. This is exciting! Our dramas our finally coming together, you know, once everyone shows up and we focus in-between fits of laughter and wrestling matches.

I just finished the Final test of the Final class in my AA degree. I didn't really study all that hard, but I kicked it in the balls. So a semester of cannibals, crazies, satanists, and stalkers comes to an end. Who would of believed that American History would be so interesting. Special thanks to Solar Flare without whom my head would have surely imploded.

The Slip

It kind of sucks to spend a week preparing for something only to have it fall apart at the last minute.

Sometimes I wonder why I have dreams. It's feels like trying to touch the moon.