So why is it that when it comes to worship and my relationship with God I try to channel my energies into becoming more structured than I actually am. When I look at every relationship in my life, and of course I'm not great at maintaining relationships, I see randomness. Spontaneous conversation. Yet when I look at my relationship with God I try to make it this neat little package that goes in a certain order. I don't communicate in order. I communicate in emotion. I look back on my life and when I worship God- truly worship Him. The times I've crawled into His arms and felt that closeness, it was a pure, spontaneous, random and passionate entanglement.
I think that is part of the reason I've felt so distant from God lately. I've tried to enter into His presence with a structure that I don't have in any other area of my life. I'm not truly being myself. Why would this be the one area in my life which I try to be someone other than me? I guess I get so used to being misunderstood, people misreading my intentions and the meaning of what I'm trying to communicate that I forget God created me and accepts me exactly as I am. How tragically ironic that the one place I am truly accepted is the one place I try to hide who I am.
So from here on I guess I'm gonna be spending time with God in that crazy way only He and I will understand. And I love it already.
How amazing that in the infinite Kingdom of God there is room for each of us to have our own unique individuality.
