Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.

A Rare Moment of Clarity

My mind is often riddled with insecurities and unspoken frustrations. My emotions are so often in a funk that I can't seem to crawl out of.

There are several reasons for this.

ONE- I have a hard time making lasting friendships, I don't relate well with people, and it makes it hard to build relationships.

TWO- This leads to feelings of loneliness, which is a frustrating feeling that people who always fit in have a hard time understanding. They can understand a level of it, but not in the full brutality that comes with a constant state of being alone.

THREE- I am unable to reach out and talk to my family, I don't know how to. I am closed off. I would gladly tell anyone outside of my family (or my sister) anything, if they ever asked, but no one knows me well enough to see when I'm messed up to know that they should ask.

FOUR- I am ashamed of my dark natured angry thoughts, and won't post them on facebook or anything because most Christians only want to try to give me their solution instead of reaching out and connecting to me.

So lately, I've been a very angry and frustrated person trying to make connections with anyone that will have me.

There is a group of people, that I have associated with in the past, one of which is my best friend who I usually hang out with outside of this particular group, that I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lately. In this time hanging out with them I have learned a lot of interesting things about them. Some "secrets" that I find to be amusing they think are secret. Some random personality quirks, But the thing that sticks out the most is the way some of them act differently around each other. Specifically in the way they treat other people. They are opinionated and share their opinions. Not necessarily a bad thing. But when we all go over to a friends house, and in the half an hour we are there before leaving, complain about how lame everything is without any thought over how that person might feel. I have a problem with that.

And mostly I don't see why so many things are considered lame or uncool. I've always been the type of person who was content doing anything and everything. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to associate with such opinionated people when those opinions might cause others to feel inferior.

So for now I will again withdraw from my quest for acceptance, and focus my mind on the coming months of study, and intern. Again focus my mind on my pursuit of greater understanding. Greater spiritual understanding. Greater understanding of people. Greater understanding of myself.

Maybe in time, God will provide all I'm so desperately looking for.