Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.

A Rare Moment of Clarity

My mind is often riddled with insecurities and unspoken frustrations. My emotions are so often in a funk that I can't seem to crawl out of.

There are several reasons for this.

ONE- I have a hard time making lasting friendships, I don't relate well with people, and it makes it hard to build relationships.

TWO- This leads to feelings of loneliness, which is a frustrating feeling that people who always fit in have a hard time understanding. They can understand a level of it, but not in the full brutality that comes with a constant state of being alone.

THREE- I am unable to reach out and talk to my family, I don't know how to. I am closed off. I would gladly tell anyone outside of my family (or my sister) anything, if they ever asked, but no one knows me well enough to see when I'm messed up to know that they should ask.

FOUR- I am ashamed of my dark natured angry thoughts, and won't post them on facebook or anything because most Christians only want to try to give me their solution instead of reaching out and connecting to me.

So lately, I've been a very angry and frustrated person trying to make connections with anyone that will have me.

There is a group of people, that I have associated with in the past, one of which is my best friend who I usually hang out with outside of this particular group, that I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lately. In this time hanging out with them I have learned a lot of interesting things about them. Some "secrets" that I find to be amusing they think are secret. Some random personality quirks, But the thing that sticks out the most is the way some of them act differently around each other. Specifically in the way they treat other people. They are opinionated and share their opinions. Not necessarily a bad thing. But when we all go over to a friends house, and in the half an hour we are there before leaving, complain about how lame everything is without any thought over how that person might feel. I have a problem with that.

And mostly I don't see why so many things are considered lame or uncool. I've always been the type of person who was content doing anything and everything. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to associate with such opinionated people when those opinions might cause others to feel inferior.

So for now I will again withdraw from my quest for acceptance, and focus my mind on the coming months of study, and intern. Again focus my mind on my pursuit of greater understanding. Greater spiritual understanding. Greater understanding of people. Greater understanding of myself.

Maybe in time, God will provide all I'm so desperately looking for.

Sleeping Pictures

I dreamed last night. I almost never remember my dreams. But I remember a million ridiculous details about this one. 

We were at a final drama practice preparing for our trip to Germany. We started around five o clock and we intended to practice until 3:00 am. The location oddly enough was the youth room from my old church in Pensacola. For whatever reason my parts in the drama had all been changed to be in the balcony. Weird. But that part doesn't matter.

There was a guest with us. A worship leader. We were going to spend some time in prayer and he shared with us that he never intended to be a worship leader. He never intended to play guitar. But he was evangelizing one day and he met this kid who played guitar. He didn't know how to connect with that kid, so he learned how to play guitar for that purpose. The only reason he wanted to play guitar was so he could connect with that kid and show Him the way to God.

In this dream the presence if God came down on me in a powerful way. In a way I haven't experienced awake in some time. I began to cry. Because I knew God had anointed our guest with the ability to lead worship because his heart, his passion was to bring people into the presence of God. He didn't care about having the highest quality of music. He didn't care about what people thought. He only cared about reaching that lost kid for The Kingdom. I was on my knees crying under God's presence, hoping that it would last all night.

Then I awoke to emptiness, there was no presence with me.

God forgive me.

Evil in May

The Knock-offs are awesome!! Even a night like tonight where all the leaders are missing except for me and we have a great time. This first meeting in May was our movie night, so we watched the Emperor's New Groove, and played some really fun games!

MAY-- why does this month exist? I think it might be evil. Though I am going to Germany later this month so it can't be all bad.

EVIL -- There is an organization that has led to multiple relationships. ALL ODD relationships filled with strangeness. How could an organization leading to so much awkwardness be allowed to continue?!

ORGANIZATIONS -- I got nothing I just started a trend and wanted to continue it.

TREND -- I don't understand trends. People pack together and start doing the same thing and then flock to people who join in and are blinded to the ones who are anti-conformists.

That is all.

Fits of Laughter and Wrestling Matches

What instrument will I play tonight in e3? If any. I am not on the schedule, this is true. However our bassist tonight is not coming, so the acoustic will move over there. And our drummer is an enigma. I'm not even sure if he is still our drummer. Pre synopsis says I will probably be on the drums.

Germany is like three weeks away. This is exciting! Our dramas our finally coming together, you know, once everyone shows up and we focus in-between fits of laughter and wrestling matches.

I just finished the Final test of the Final class in my AA degree. I didn't really study all that hard, but I kicked it in the balls. So a semester of cannibals, crazies, satanists, and stalkers comes to an end. Who would of believed that American History would be so interesting. Special thanks to Solar Flare without whom my head would have surely imploded.

The Slip

It kind of sucks to spend a week preparing for something only to have it fall apart at the last minute.

Sometimes I wonder why I have dreams. It's feels like trying to touch the moon.

The Other Me Hates The World

Are you ready to see past all of my lies? We're all in disguise.

Are you ready to see into my eyes? 

I'm not who I say I am.

Mockery. Secret lives. Belonging.

I would almost rather be alone at all times. If no one is close to you, no one can hurt you. juvenile thinking, I know. But even having the few people in my life I would truly consider friends sucks, because I get used to being myself, and then when they're not around, I remember people suck and are not as accepting as they are. Especially guys. I remember now why I don't have any guy friends. So quick to jump on the flawed so they look better themselves.

So I retreat into the other me, the angsty me. The hurting me. The angry me. The better me?

The only times in life I have truly felt acceptance is in God's presence. And let's be honest I've been neglectful of that lately. That makes me feel so much worst. Times like these I truly despise myself.

And God still gives me opportunities to do what I love, minister in song. More opportunities actually. And He still anoints me. He still allows His presence to show up. And it sucks because I deserve it so little. It is almost more of a curse that He would move through me.

We all need forgiveness.

The Adventures of Formerly Trained Assassins

APRIL 2009. I believe this is a good month.

In the past month. I have been to busch gardens twice. Been offered a tattoo. Fell in love with the olive garden. Failed two boyfriend applications. Danced around the drama a crazy person's drama without actually seeing the crazy and getting involved. Learned that mannequins are incredibly scary--

And I must expound upon this. Serious creep factor. It started with those old navy commercials, they gave their mannequins personalities. That is scary to begin with, then I started seeing it. At Dicks Sporting Goods the mannequins look down on you as if they are smug and superior. It is insulting. And I wanted to smack that superior look right off their face! I've seen mannequins with circles for heads, I've seen the footless. I saw a little boy with green hair. And I even saw a middle aged fat butt mannequin. They must be stopped. Apparently one person told me they talk to mannequins. So that was scary.

I'm going to germany in like a month. I am very excited. My illustrated sermon is coming together nicely. The dramas as a whole team are starting to come together, and I have an unsurpassed expectancy for this conference. I really feel that this team is an incredibly strong one. It's going to be great. God will move in a real way. A surprising way. I love that even when we expect it, we can still be surprised.

My former boss told me I have long and lanky arms. I don't believe her. Odd shaped and  scrawny is more like it.

It's Wrong! The Weather Is Wrong!

Why did we get a random cold snap to start off MARCH? The weather is ridiculous! Global warming is a joke. It was to cold to go to the strawberry festival, but we watched the illusionist and the prestige instead. Great movies.

In other news I just got back from wiregrass. I had a good time. Well as good a time as a guy can have while hanging out with two girls while they look around in stores like forever twenty-one. Apparently that store actually has a guy section. Which I do not understand. That store should not have a guy section, it just seems incredibly out of place. Ate lunch at chili's. I ate my whole meal, which to be honest I very rarely am able to do. I get full and stop eating. Waiter was a tad bit odd, but not odd enough to express any further.

It is a nice day. I believe I have this week off from the worship team, so I intend to enjoy my night at home and rest up. It is spring break, so I'm not sure what I'm resting up for.

This is the part where I post some spiritual musings. I don't have any today, but in small group I am beginning a series on discovering power. I'm really excited about it. Starts off with the way we see things, I think it is going to be really great.

That is all.

Goodbye February, Hello Obnoxious Heat

It is officially the last day in February! I think it s pretty cool. There is a bird singing outside my window... ok actually it is more like a random high pitched squeal and it is a good bit annoying. I want to squash it with a hammer. HA that would prank that bird good.

There is a German intern in our house this week. He will be in town for six weeks, but he is only with us for the first one I believe. And he is in the guest room not my room like marcus was, so that is pretty cool.

In celebration of Jeremiah's birthday we are taking a trip to Sam Ash in Clearwater. That should be pretty exciting. I like music. Tomorrow maybe the strawberry festival? I've never been, but it's gotta be pretty fun right. I love strawberries. :) I better get to eat some or I will be disappointed. I will probably cry hysterically and prank somebody by beating them up and taking all there money. They'd never see it coming. Hilarious.