Bah-BLAHGz

2012. Just remembered I have a blogspot.

Never use it.

Realizing how whiny and insecure I was 2 years while re-reading some of my past blogs.
Yikes.

I have always enjoyed blogging though. Let's see, what's happened in the past 2 years. I went to Germany for 3 months. Bought a car. Got a job. Got married. Didn't really get married. Did get a bachelor's degree in theology. YEA. Finished my last class last week. Will be applying for my credentials with the assemblies of God and beginning the process of looking for a youth pastor position soon.

Working with the students and next level and seeing how God moves in their lives is incredible. Wherever I go, I want to be able to see those same things. More than that, I want to be able to protect students and be there for them when they are hurt so that God can heal them. I want to be there as a young person discovers a passion for God and begins to bold step out in faith and impact their world. It's a dream worth having and a dream that I am certain God has placed inside me.

I still have struggles, but that doesn't make me less of a Christian or a weaker person. It shows me that I still have more of my life to surrender to God and is an opportunity to do so. I never want to stop giving myself to the Lord. When we feel like there's nothing left to give Him we stop pressing in and begin pulling away, even if unintentionally. There is always more in God and therefore there is always more of myself to give Him.

So that's what I'll do.

Year of Change?

I feel older today. I feel like an adult. There isn't really a reason behind it. I just feel more mature. I'm probably losing it.

This year has been a year of revelation and decisions. I'm growing in the things of God and my mind is becoming more focused on what I desire to do. Leading worship is incredible and pouring into the lives of teenagers is an amazing experience. I love being able to teach young musicians how to play together as a team. Granted I've just started doing that and I'm still learning some thing myself, but it is so fun taking their talent and focusing it into something greater.

My focus right now is on becoming who I must become in order to achieve what I MUST achieve. The more I pursue God, the greater the urgency that grows inside of me to see this generation arise and become the power packed people I know they can be. As a result I'm kind of losing touch with the world around me. Friendships have kind of lost their value. I've never been one to have many friends and right now I feel like I'm losing the few I have. I just can't give them the attention they deserve. I'm pretty busy and the spare time do have I find myself only longing to get in the presence of God.

I suppose it's normal as we grow up for our peer group to change. People are always moving in different directions. I just wish I was one of those people that could have the same group of friends for an extended period of time. But I'm not. Maybe I'm too weird, or maybe I'm just a jerk.

My life goal this week is to be obedient to God. As a new worship leader I've been too caught up with trying to figure out how to get these kids to worship that I've been trying to force an encounter with God. I've been learning that it isn't about trying to IMPACT them but obedience to God. Through my obedience God will be able to impact them.

That's enough writing for one day. If I wrote my entire mind, this would be too long for anyone to ever even consider investing their time to read.

Same Place Again

I am often overcome with the weight of my sin.

I am often lacking understanding as to the source of my anger.

My spirit desires more of God, but I keep getting in the way.

Lord, I lack the ability. Give me Your strength so that I might benefit Your Kingdom.

When will I get past this revelation? GOD I know I am weak. I know I need your strength. When will I stop trying to do this on my own and fully put my trust in you? To know all the answers and yet still be incapable of following through is frustrating. I hate this place. Lord, I must get closer to You so that my students might be able to have a path to follow. God if I don't make it I only pray that You will provide for them something even greater.

In Your name I lay down my life.

Make it yours.

Inadequacy

I feel inadequate. I feel inferior. Without worth. I don't measure up to the standard I want to live.

Some days I wonder why I try...

Other days I give up on trying all together.

Grown Ups

Some people are always trying to be an adult.

Some people grow up faster than anyone should have too.

Some people never seem to get there.

Congratulatins, you're 20, live a life filled with parties, drugs, and alcohol. Is this what passes for being grown up in our society?

Outside Reality

To think there are people in this world who have not tasted the love of God.

Who am I to allow myself to be bitter and cynical in a place where people are encouraged to pursue that love. When your whole world is encased inside the doors of a church it is easy to lose touch with the world outside of your reality. But that word is no less real. Their need is no less.

It's time to reach out.

It's time to stop wavering and stand firm.

Be who we are destined to be. Claim what God has proclaimed over us. Live.

Burn This Town / Signal Flare

It's been a year of drought when it comes to writing. I've been uninspired, which after a year where I wrote around 35 songs is frustrating. Most of what I've written this year has been lackluster or too dark to see the light. But whatever. Here's a few things I've been working on.

Burn This Town

Walk this town of crooks and thieves

They hang their sin around their neck

flaunting their sexuality

pretty words disguise the wreck

This broken mess

abandoned like all the rest

This broken mess

abandon all they have left

I'm gonna burn this town of hypocrites

Burn this town of liars

Burn this town of wickedness

It's time to fight the fire

with fire

If I could find just one in this whole town

Just one who spoke and stood their ground

Just one and I'd spare this whole town....

but I'm no different

------------------

Signal Flare

Watch where I go

I'm not the one that you know

Try to figure me out

if you dare

And I've been playing along for some time

while you've been dancing

And I've been playing around for some time

And you keep on dancing

So send up the signal flare

And warn them that the night has come

To take them away

from all that they love

and they have ever known

in time they will see

despite what they believe

I am just a ghost

So let me go

I remember the day

when I was taken away from you

and I see your face so clearly

Don't go, you said

don't leave me here

all by myself again

now you see my face

Where ever you go...

Covenant

I've been reading in Genesis lately. Specifically the build up to the story of Joseph. We all know Joseph was elevated to second in command in Egypt and I was trying to understand why Joseph? Of all his family, why Joseph?

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph.

Jacob made a covenant with Labon to marry his second daughter rachel and after seven years his father allowed him to marry Leah instead. Eventually he was able to marry rachel as well, but rachel was unable to have children. God saw that Leah was unloved and allowed her to have many children. In time jacob also had children with both Rachel and Leah's servant girl.

Finally God allowed Rachel to conceive a child. His name was Joseph. Later on she gave birth to Benjamin.

A thought occurred to me. Joseph was first born under Jacob's original covenant with Labon for Rachel. So it makes since that God would bless Him. Now of course Joseph was faithful to serve the Lord through great difficulty, but he was the child of a covenant. (More than one since he is a descendant of Abraham.)

I began thinking, God I want to be a part of a covenant like that I want to be chosen.

That was when I realized that I am. So are you. When Jesus died it created a new covenant that included everyone. Now we are all chosen. The only thing that can keep us from entering into that covenant with God is ourselves.

We have to make that decision to stay pure, stay focused on our pursuit of God. Not to be distracted by what this world has to offer.

So for people questioning who you are I have an answer. You are a child under covenant with the King. Chosen for this time for Him to love you, for Him to move through you. Your Father, Friend, Lover, King. All that is in His Kingdom is at your disposal. You just have to receive it.

Pursuing A Place In The World

It is the struggle of many, myself included, to find a place in this world that they call their own. Often insecurities blind our ability to see what is right in front of us. I for one focus too much on my flaws and imperfections rather than the many wonderful opportunities I have been given.

So this is an exercise to help me realize some of the good things placed in my life as well as share a bit of what I've been up too since I haven't been an avid blogger as of late.

I'm an intern.

God has blessed me with an opportunity to be a sort of guinea pig as one of the first wave interns at our church. This allows me to utilize many of my giftings and talents I didn't even know I had. I've been editing video pretty much non stop since I've started. I am able to kind of put my personality into the youth ministry through a lot of the media coming up. Also exciting we are doing the service this week while my dad is out of town, so we are running the service message everything. I helped put the drama together, and I KNOW it is going to have a lasting impact.

I'm a bible student.

There is a new bible college with my church that is fully accredited. It's a sweet deal that allows me to pursue the one thing I've desired my whole life. Ministry. I still don't have a clear cut direction, but at least I can begin pursuing it.

I'm a drummer.

This is the one that is most shocking to me. I've been playing for really less than a year. No lessons, I just kind of started playing. Now I am the e3 drummer. I play for Mindy every wednesday now. It is truly a blessing to be the least talented of the drummers, at least in my mind, and yet be permitted by God to do something I truly love. Contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

All three of these things are also bringing me face to face with my many weaknesses.

The drumming forces me to face my mistakes. I mess up a lot, I lose my place or rhythm. But I have to deal with the failure and just move on to the next beat.

As a Bible Student I come face to face with my laziness and lack of motivation..... but then again come on I don't read the book or study at all and I get a perfect score on the test? It's like they are asking me to become a bigger slacker.

And the interning forces me to deal with my most deadly flaw. The eruptions mentioned in my previous blog. The guilt that plagues me after an eruption. The fear that they all see me as I see myself.... the weakest of Christians.

We all struggle to find a place in this world. Most of the time we have one, but our own insecurities and flaws skirt our perspective into a muddle point of view that blinds us from realizing our place is exactly where we are. Flaws and all. God's desire is to use us right where we are. Even if we don't understand our current place God will still use you. As long as you keep pursuing Him.

This search to find a place we belong is ultimately a fruitless endeavor. We will never find our place in this world until we have found our place in God. Our pursuit of God shows us that we are already where we belong.

Our pursuit of God eliminates the need for a place in this world and replaces it with purpose, regardless of what place we may find ourselves.

Eruption

God has been teaching me a lot of things in recent months. He is doing a work in me. But it's funny how in my moments of weakness none of it seems to matter.

It is no secret that I have an anger problem. I feel confident that anyone who is reading this is aware of that and seen the evidence of the problem. Those are the moments where the barriers in my mind collapse and it becomes flooded with all of my insecurities and doubt. My mind takes every word or action and runs it through massive distortion so that it is perceived as a personal attack enriched by how small I see myself.

Next comes the emotion. It isn't anger. Although that is how it is presented. Self mutilation towards others would be a better way of describing it. I'm angry at how my insecurities have made me feel, more than words that someone has spoken has made me feel.

Finally the self hatred of having NO CONTROL once again fills my mind. I hate myself for not being able to control it. The truth is we all have things we deal with and my eruptions are no worst than anyone else. But they are much more public. My hatred comes in and tells me everyone who has seen it will now look on me as weaker than they are and I just become more upset with myself.

I live my life afraid that I will erupt and more people will be exposed to my weaknesses. I guess as a result I isolate people...

and my loneliness only feeds my insecurities....

until the whole cycle starts over again.

Eruption.

Imperfection

Most people go out of their way to hide their imperfection. I don't. I am very transparent. I figure if everyone can see your faults then they can hold you accountable to correct them.

Yes, there is always those who will see your faults and judge you for it. Those who would rather point out how spiritually adept they are rather than help you improve. But do we really need their input in our lives?

We can't listen to them. We can't allow those people to bring us to anger or resentment.

That is just them showing us one of their faults.

As for my imperfection... Growing up in church, I've been a Christian for what most people my age consider to be a long time. Most of that time has been filled with those miraculous God encounters, while my mind has remained steadfast and filled with the perfect mix of peace and joy. A clear mind focused on the pursuit of God. I suppose I took it for granted, that is the only thing that can explain why when it began to change I barely took notice.

This past year has been an extremely different experience. A clear mind became cluttered. God's presence often felt far. In fact, the only time He felt near was those few moments when He allowed me to be a vessel from which He can move.

I began to become angry that He felt so distant. Frustrated that the feelings of my youth seemed to have dissipated from reality into nothing.

Now, someone who is truly committed can carry on with a lack of emotion for some time, but if you are not cautious the human nature inside of you will develop certain negative feelings of resentment towards those who don't seem to struggle as you do. That is what happened to me. Is happening to me.

My mind has been in a constant state of no emotion. The only thing holding me to God is pure commitment. I look around and I see certain people who are ALWAYS so consistently saying the most positive spiritual uplifting things and instead of being happy that they are inspired... I'm jealous. I am wishing that it could be me. I'm angry that it's not. Resentment begins to build to the point where I can't stand to be around certain Christians and my mind justifies it by glazing it over with cynicism.

I have become cynical.

Everyone struggles with different things in different seasons. I can now see all of this in myself and my spirit is grieved. My spirit doesn't want to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. My flesh can't help it. It is riddled with imperfection and the Spirit will have nothing to do with it.

Thus I have returned to that never ending battle between spirit and flesh.

Thank God my Spirit is alive enough to fight this imperfect flesh that lives in me.

Next comes winning.

Individuality in the Kingdom

I pride myself on being who I am regardless of my company. I pride myself on being completely honest, blunt and absolutely nothing less than the raw unfiltered nature that is inside of me. Rather people like it or not. Rather people understand it or not. I recognize that I am who I am.

So why is it that when it comes to worship and my relationship with God I try to channel my energies into becoming more structured than I actually am. When I look at every relationship in my life, and of course I'm not great at maintaining relationships, I see randomness. Spontaneous conversation. Yet when I look at my relationship with God I try to make it this neat little package that goes in a certain order. I don't communicate in order. I communicate in emotion. I look back on my life and when I worship God- truly worship Him. The times I've crawled into His arms and felt that closeness, it was a pure, spontaneous, random and passionate entanglement.

I think that is part of the reason I've felt so distant from God lately. I've tried to enter into His presence with a structure that I don't have in any other area of my life. I'm not truly being myself. Why would this be the one area in my life which I try to be someone other than me? I guess I get so used to being misunderstood, people misreading my intentions and the meaning of what I'm trying to communicate that I forget God created me and accepts me exactly as I am. How tragically ironic that the one place I am truly accepted is the one place I try to hide who I am.

So from here on I guess I'm gonna be spending time with God in that crazy way only He and I will understand. And I love it already.

How amazing that in the infinite Kingdom of God there is room for each of us to have our own unique individuality.

Blindsided

The virus continues moving through my chest, my breathing irregular and riddled with coughs. Fatigue fighting to grab hold to the outskirts of my mind. That one final observation that connects all the subtle things I've seen over the last few months together. As a humorous musing turns into full blown suspicion one thought rings true in my head.

Why wasn't I told?

I'm a fairly observant guy. I make little observations all the time and often wonder the meaning behind the small actions people make. Sometimes they are just random occurrences that never reappear. Other times these little actions connect to other actions until the thought enters my mind. Then that thought connects to a name.

Surprise does not enter into my mind, I've seen the signs leading up to this yet I was unprepared for the revelation. It sends my tired mind into a drunken haze as I try to work out all of the intricacies and retrace all the signs. And all the signs point to one thing.

Why wasn't I told?

That question burrows deeper into my dampened spirits and begs me to respond. But there is no response. Could I be mistaken? Why would this be hidden from me?

Why wasn't I told?

I know I'm not wrong. Too many signs that cannot be removed. I will plant my feet in the ground and let this one slide by me for now. Trusting that someday I will be trusted.

I will be told.

A Rare Moment of Clarity

My mind is often riddled with insecurities and unspoken frustrations. My emotions are so often in a funk that I can't seem to crawl out of.

There are several reasons for this.

ONE- I have a hard time making lasting friendships, I don't relate well with people, and it makes it hard to build relationships.

TWO- This leads to feelings of loneliness, which is a frustrating feeling that people who always fit in have a hard time understanding. They can understand a level of it, but not in the full brutality that comes with a constant state of being alone.

THREE- I am unable to reach out and talk to my family, I don't know how to. I am closed off. I would gladly tell anyone outside of my family (or my sister) anything, if they ever asked, but no one knows me well enough to see when I'm messed up to know that they should ask.

FOUR- I am ashamed of my dark natured angry thoughts, and won't post them on facebook or anything because most Christians only want to try to give me their solution instead of reaching out and connecting to me.

So lately, I've been a very angry and frustrated person trying to make connections with anyone that will have me.

There is a group of people, that I have associated with in the past, one of which is my best friend who I usually hang out with outside of this particular group, that I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lately. In this time hanging out with them I have learned a lot of interesting things about them. Some "secrets" that I find to be amusing they think are secret. Some random personality quirks, But the thing that sticks out the most is the way some of them act differently around each other. Specifically in the way they treat other people. They are opinionated and share their opinions. Not necessarily a bad thing. But when we all go over to a friends house, and in the half an hour we are there before leaving, complain about how lame everything is without any thought over how that person might feel. I have a problem with that.

And mostly I don't see why so many things are considered lame or uncool. I've always been the type of person who was content doing anything and everything. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to associate with such opinionated people when those opinions might cause others to feel inferior.

So for now I will again withdraw from my quest for acceptance, and focus my mind on the coming months of study, and intern. Again focus my mind on my pursuit of greater understanding. Greater spiritual understanding. Greater understanding of people. Greater understanding of myself.

Maybe in time, God will provide all I'm so desperately looking for.

Sleeping Pictures

I dreamed last night. I almost never remember my dreams. But I remember a million ridiculous details about this one. 

We were at a final drama practice preparing for our trip to Germany. We started around five o clock and we intended to practice until 3:00 am. The location oddly enough was the youth room from my old church in Pensacola. For whatever reason my parts in the drama had all been changed to be in the balcony. Weird. But that part doesn't matter.

There was a guest with us. A worship leader. We were going to spend some time in prayer and he shared with us that he never intended to be a worship leader. He never intended to play guitar. But he was evangelizing one day and he met this kid who played guitar. He didn't know how to connect with that kid, so he learned how to play guitar for that purpose. The only reason he wanted to play guitar was so he could connect with that kid and show Him the way to God.

In this dream the presence if God came down on me in a powerful way. In a way I haven't experienced awake in some time. I began to cry. Because I knew God had anointed our guest with the ability to lead worship because his heart, his passion was to bring people into the presence of God. He didn't care about having the highest quality of music. He didn't care about what people thought. He only cared about reaching that lost kid for The Kingdom. I was on my knees crying under God's presence, hoping that it would last all night.

Then I awoke to emptiness, there was no presence with me.

God forgive me.

Evil in May

The Knock-offs are awesome!! Even a night like tonight where all the leaders are missing except for me and we have a great time. This first meeting in May was our movie night, so we watched the Emperor's New Groove, and played some really fun games!

MAY-- why does this month exist? I think it might be evil. Though I am going to Germany later this month so it can't be all bad.

EVIL -- There is an organization that has led to multiple relationships. ALL ODD relationships filled with strangeness. How could an organization leading to so much awkwardness be allowed to continue?!

ORGANIZATIONS -- I got nothing I just started a trend and wanted to continue it.

TREND -- I don't understand trends. People pack together and start doing the same thing and then flock to people who join in and are blinded to the ones who are anti-conformists.

That is all.

Fits of Laughter and Wrestling Matches

What instrument will I play tonight in e3? If any. I am not on the schedule, this is true. However our bassist tonight is not coming, so the acoustic will move over there. And our drummer is an enigma. I'm not even sure if he is still our drummer. Pre synopsis says I will probably be on the drums.

Germany is like three weeks away. This is exciting! Our dramas our finally coming together, you know, once everyone shows up and we focus in-between fits of laughter and wrestling matches.

I just finished the Final test of the Final class in my AA degree. I didn't really study all that hard, but I kicked it in the balls. So a semester of cannibals, crazies, satanists, and stalkers comes to an end. Who would of believed that American History would be so interesting. Special thanks to Solar Flare without whom my head would have surely imploded.

The Slip

It kind of sucks to spend a week preparing for something only to have it fall apart at the last minute.

Sometimes I wonder why I have dreams. It's feels like trying to touch the moon.

The Other Me Hates The World

Are you ready to see past all of my lies? We're all in disguise.

Are you ready to see into my eyes? 

I'm not who I say I am.

Mockery. Secret lives. Belonging.

I would almost rather be alone at all times. If no one is close to you, no one can hurt you. juvenile thinking, I know. But even having the few people in my life I would truly consider friends sucks, because I get used to being myself, and then when they're not around, I remember people suck and are not as accepting as they are. Especially guys. I remember now why I don't have any guy friends. So quick to jump on the flawed so they look better themselves.

So I retreat into the other me, the angsty me. The hurting me. The angry me. The better me?

The only times in life I have truly felt acceptance is in God's presence. And let's be honest I've been neglectful of that lately. That makes me feel so much worst. Times like these I truly despise myself.

And God still gives me opportunities to do what I love, minister in song. More opportunities actually. And He still anoints me. He still allows His presence to show up. And it sucks because I deserve it so little. It is almost more of a curse that He would move through me.

We all need forgiveness.

The Adventures of Formerly Trained Assassins

APRIL 2009. I believe this is a good month.

In the past month. I have been to busch gardens twice. Been offered a tattoo. Fell in love with the olive garden. Failed two boyfriend applications. Danced around the drama a crazy person's drama without actually seeing the crazy and getting involved. Learned that mannequins are incredibly scary--

And I must expound upon this. Serious creep factor. It started with those old navy commercials, they gave their mannequins personalities. That is scary to begin with, then I started seeing it. At Dicks Sporting Goods the mannequins look down on you as if they are smug and superior. It is insulting. And I wanted to smack that superior look right off their face! I've seen mannequins with circles for heads, I've seen the footless. I saw a little boy with green hair. And I even saw a middle aged fat butt mannequin. They must be stopped. Apparently one person told me they talk to mannequins. So that was scary.

I'm going to germany in like a month. I am very excited. My illustrated sermon is coming together nicely. The dramas as a whole team are starting to come together, and I have an unsurpassed expectancy for this conference. I really feel that this team is an incredibly strong one. It's going to be great. God will move in a real way. A surprising way. I love that even when we expect it, we can still be surprised.

My former boss told me I have long and lanky arms. I don't believe her. Odd shaped and  scrawny is more like it.